Stanfordgirl

10 more days and my father leaves US. I am in Vegas, at the conference. I had a good feeling this morning. I listened to a speech given by carnegy melon professor, and thought I should watch motivational sincere speaches by smart people all the time. Easy: If you do proper things, your dreams will come to you. If you do proper things your dreams will come to you. Don't complain and wind. Imagine this guy had in his contract - do not complain if people spit on you. Don't complain, just play your game. Apology three parts: I am sorry. It was my fault. How can I repair it? The last part is forgotten often. Bryan and I had split because he doesn't know the last part. People are more important than things. Example: his car and his nephew. Bryan he was raised badly. He tries and he doesn't know…

I am at work. Alone. I am feeling better. I am a little over excited, because new things are starting in my life. Z is coming to visit me, isn't it amazing. I am going to Vegas. I will be okay. I feel some loneliness. I am excited about some things: I ordered a book- Mastery, Mindset. I am excited about my photoshoot in New york with my dear friend Meru. I am excited about going home to kz, and giving robotic gifts for my little lovely love of my life nephews. I am excited about launching a new app, it is going to be exciting.I am excited about writing a book. Today this morning, I was frustrated by Andrea, and his management. I didn't like that I had to fight for rtp questions. That he is not giving me full power. Maybe Andrea is about to leave. Yyesterday, I went to capoeira, it was rea…

Another emotional day. I remembered very vividly how I first came to New York, how I ran around bare feet, cannot believe where I am, am I on a different planet. I remember how I got back to K very very tanned, so dark, darker than chocolate. I was different, it was visible to everyone. Everyone knew something important happened in my life. I young girl, spent a summer in states and it was something. I remember I was lost and unhappy at the beginning of Kellogg life. Now I am feeling I am very lost. I remember that with my girls with Gulshat we had power. Real power. Strong tangible power. I am going to find new people. I am going to meet new people I feel powerful with. I feel like there are to many unanswered questions. I want so many things, I feel I am moving too slow. I really want t…

March 28th

I am feeling jealous that Meg is leaving, and B probably taking her to the airport. It feels like heaven being able to drive to the airport with him. In fact, it is not. He can get dangerous, start talking about how he hates this and that, act abnormal, say you are telling me pop culture stories.

I met B at the coffee shop today! Everything is going to be okay. Wow, how pretty is Bryan. Okay let's talk about work. Last week Max finished payments and I had a conversation with law firm. Ryan Morrison. So on my side, I have to: - examine and learn very closely sensor tower, what words they use, write down words for countries. - find an animator who will make 7 sketches for me. - talk to Vitalik and find a team in Ukraine - look deeply into Amplitude and get data to start sql plotting it How will I organize my time? Ah, I am back on the saddle, now that I talked to Bryan. How happy I am. I can CAN CAN and feel and absolutely good about going forward with my ambitious plans. So I want to start making money with app, build the team, then be very successful, for whatever reason I am very…

What is interesting - I am feeling like I am on the edge of something. I am feeling sick, and 've been worried for too long. I did not realized how worried I was. In this despair you find light and euphoria. I remember when my dad was very sick, I didn't see the light of he life, the problem was overwhelming, and consumed my mind leaving space to nothing else. When I went to the sauna with my aunts, I saw kindness and the light of life, because it can be good. My aunts acted as usual, they offered to wash my bag, offered new shampoo to try, nothing special. These acts seemed so so so special. Instinctively I realized that these moments are special. Today at work I feel same, I see doors out, I see that there is another life, that I can be somewhere else. Somewhere outside my troubling lov…

Who am I?

Who is the person I want to be?

What things are important to me?

Who am I?

I am girl from Kazakhstan who is very ambitious, has a big heart, is complicated, emotional, loving. I am brave, and am will do great things in this century.

What person I want to be?

I never had problems with this - I wanted to be "velikaya". Significant, important, strong, formidable. I want to be formidable person in this history of human kind. Do i?

Glory

From now on start listening to great people - Steve Jobs, Alexandr the great, Margareth Tatcher, Churchill. Interviews of significant people.

I am at work. I was sick all these days. After I took Aza to the airport, I felt drained, sick and didn't know what to do anymore. I am more suffering these days. But as Meru pointed out - suffering cleans out the soul, and sickness cleans out the sins. I am better today. Every morning I feel a little better. I feel better from sickness perspective. I really hope I will have a date today. I remember in cafe Zanzibar I very vividly realized that everything is going to be okay, everything is going to be very good, that I will be happy. If I do get into b-school, if I won't I still going to be very and confidently happy. Part of the reason was coffee, part of the reason was the fact that I have Zoli's back and shoulder, always. Always, have my angel. I am having coffee now, and kindof feelin…

Again forgetting it is Nauryz. I had a conversation with Meru. She gave me permission to cry and be sad because of losing my love. Maybe I should've done something different.

Bryan, I wanted to tell you that I am looking forward to hearing what you decided to do or didn't decide, or anything you want to tell me. If I won't hear from you, I will find a way to be okay too. But I do want to hear from you. I hope I am not too late

Another day - I woke up and didn't go to fix my car. I felt that there is a warm body next to me on my left side. It was like a piece of meat, but it warming me and making me feel not alone, making me feel something is there for me. I know think that it was an angel. Then when I woke up an hour later, I remembered his face. I was sitting on the bar chair in his house. He was standing next to the sink leaning towards me - he was telling me about himself, he was opening up. His face was calm and trusting and happy. All I want is to see him happy. We had a bonding talk, where we both loved each other. This is the time of the year when I was falling in love with him. I would leave my office and walk and think of him. I will wake up with him in mind and go to sleep with him in mind. It is stil…