March 23rd

What is interesting - I am feeling like I am on the edge of something. I am feeling sick, and 've been worried for too long. I did not realized how worried I was. In this despair you find light and euphoria.

I remember when my dad was very sick, I didn't see the light of he life, the problem was overwhelming, and consumed my mind leaving space to nothing else. When I went to the sauna with my aunts, I saw kindness and the light of life, because it can be good. My aunts acted as usual, they offered to wash my bag, offered new shampoo to try, nothing special. These acts seemed so so so special. Instinctively I realized that these moments are special.

Today at work I feel same, I see doors out, I see that there is another life, that I can be somewhere else. Somewhere outside my troubling love. I felt euphoria.

I am also sick, that makes the whole experience very unique, overused word but it is "surreal". My troubled love life seems as if it was my reality, the life outside of it seems surreal. I am entering this surreal life, that will soon become my normal life.I feel as if I was coming out from the underground, from a long long life underground, and surprised that it is a normal yet always surreal spring out.

I stayed and texted people (guys) today. Z, my angel as always made me lough. I feel as if it was Christmas, out of nowhere. I read voxpopuli and watched people who so loved what they do, and they followed their dreams, and they achieved it, by sheer love. I read about Alexandr the great. I started forgetting that I want to be GREAT. Aza called and told me about his trip from Almaty to Chymkent. It will happen to me too. It can happen very easy. They joy is enormous, the trip is easy.

I felt like I grounded and got in touch with my old self. I am not my old self anymore, nor do I want to be. But my old self helped me see that there is joy in life besides him. There is other joy in life.

Bryan, thank you for everything you have given to me. You are my first and only american boyfriend. you are special, I got it right away. I learned the crazyness of someone's life. It's not my life. You took me to the voyage I never traveled before, away from my roots, fearless. I tried the best of american. The best what americna can offer. I am not afraid to see you anymore.

I am on my own. A daughter of the steppe. descendent of Gyngis. Born to make my country great. Not for fun, but because it is my destiny. It's my call.

I love you my country

Thank you God for giving me this love. This is another love, that is strong and always going to be here. With me

Going back, and seeing his apartment seems surreal. But it is there.

Glimpse of another life