March 23rd

Another emotional day. I remembered very vividly how I first came to New York, how I ran around bare feet, cannot believe where I am, am I on a different planet. I remember how I got back to K very very tanned, so dark, darker than chocolate. I was different, it was visible to everyone. Everyone knew something important happened in  my life. I young girl, spent a summer in states and it was something.

I remember I was lost and unhappy at the beginning of Kellogg life. Now I am feeling I am very lost. I remember that with my girls with Gulshat we had power. Real power. Strong tangible power.

I am going to find new people. I am going to meet new people I feel  powerful with.

I feel like there are to many unanswered questions. I want so many things, I feel I am moving too slow.

I really want to go home. I want to go and play with my nephews and love them. I want to stop at places, where I was born, where I grew up. I want to take this taxi from almaty to shymkent, I want to try to learn dombra. I want to go to the tomb of my grandparents, and pray. I want the earth of my ancestors to give me guidance, and teach me anew.

I want a cleansing trip, that will also let me work super hard.

It's been year since I moved to Seattle. I have gotten a promotion, established my reputation in the company, brought my car, got stronger in capoeira, met my love, started taking coding classes, and launched a simple simple app.

Let me dream, let me make wishes. Let me gain the sense of gratitude, restrengthen my connection to God, let me wish and dream more. Go into meditation mood now.

everyday try to meditate.

I am about to break some of my promises. Maybe I am used to breaking my promises. I promise - don't go home until know about your marriage. I promised do one date everyday. I promised app launched till february 24th.

From now on, make a wish and pray and pray everyday that it will happen. Your wish will come true. You have board to do it.

I have also cried again today, remembering people who did me wrong. I didn't realize how deeply B hurt me. He rows the feeling of resentfulness in me.

I am very very glad I have my capoeira, I have this job.

It's time to move on - I need my roots to do it, I need my mind to be clear and concise. Pray to God, get your connection back.

I am very very glad I met B. I still don't know how to talk to him.