b_zhan

How could he kill himself? He was eighteen years old...

Was he stressed because of exams? Did he compare himself to his competitive classmates and felt their supremacy?

Was he lonely? Did he break up with his girlfriend? Was he suffering from low self-esteem?

Was he from a low-income family? Did he struggle financially and did not have anyone to help him out?

Did he have psychological issues? Did he struggle because of some childhood trauma?

I would ask all of these questions if I would know him and his inner battle. Too late...

How often we do not notice other people's pain and struggle. It is much easier to pretend that success and achievements are the only things that matter in life. And then it is late. And then we say: "Poor kid, how could he?"

Эти воспоминания...они сладки в беспечности тех времен...они горьки в безвозвратности ушедших времен.

Ведра кислой черешни, купленные у знакомой...медовые апорты, собранные родителями и сестрой в саду. Таковы ягодно-фруктовые воспоминания о моем детстве.

Родной запах мамы, обонять который я могла еженочно. Сильная и глубокая привязанность к ней, которая в какой-то степени ограничивала мой рост как отдельной личности.

Мирок, созданный моим воображением, благодатной почвой которой стало чтение книг в неограниченных количествах.

17 марта 2012 г.

I am aware that it is very likely that my feelings to him will not transform into something more serious. We will not be together. It is such a bitter feeling. But I cannot do anything- I like him! I just want to smile when I see him. He makes me feel alive. Isn’t it enough? It is just wonderful to know that I can love someone and how this love changes me. I did not know that love can be this real. Even if it is not mutual and even if it is very temporary- I feel it and it makes me shine. Soul says: please be quiet, let’s just enjoy this present moment, when you feel so much love… I don’t know him well. He is a stranger. But does it matter? I feel beautiful because I have this beautiful feeling inside me. Please do not try to rationalize this feeling. Do not try to understand why do you d…

She: "Do you love me?" 
He: "Yes...but your car is too small" 
She: "Okay, honey... I will buy Lexus soon" 
............................................. 
He:"Want to make love?" 
She: "Yes... but I need money" 
He: "Sure, I have them, you know" 
She: "I know, that's why I am with you" 
He: "Darling, you're precious"

January 29, 2012

Do you feel sometimes that this world is not enough for you? That there is a hunger inside of you to experience, embrace and comprehend the entire world and even more? I think I have it. I wanted to be a doctor- I dropped out of medical university, I wanted to be a a journalist- well, I didn't become one, but I can freely write articles and publish them. I wanted to experience a different culture-I studied and lived in the US for four years. Still, I want more. Drive is what keeps me going, but it also makes me wonder whether there will be a point at which I will say: "Yes, I am fully content, I've achieved everything I wanted". Believe me, it is not about achieving and distinguishing myself from others. What I always crave for is new adventures and events that will catalyze my personal g…

How much poison can we drink at a time? And how can we detoxify ourselves? Or maybe not the poison makes us suffer so much but our sensitivity and our naive view? Sometimes the only thing I have is hope. But sometimes even it seems to disappear. Fortunately, this does not last for too long. Disappointment has a very bitter taste... but the good news is that experiencing disappointment and other negative feelings makes you stronger. You just grow a thick layer of protection and learn to become more flexible. And have less and less expectations...You learn to accept goodness with gratitude and appreciation. The simple name of this process is called growing... how painful it is sometimes. And how funny it is that events and feelings we currently regard as being dramatic then become so unimpo…

Душа моя,

Дай мне тебя понять,

Не дай мне тебя потерять,

И уйти во мрак

Так и не поняв тебя...

Ведь уже четверть века прожита...

Твои дикие пляски,

Незамысловатые песни,

Стенания,

Терзания,

Печаль, грусть и тоску

Я понять хочу.

Твое ликование, мирное спокойствие,

Радость, любовную дрожь,

Возгласы счастья,

Высокие полеты,

Падения в бездну-

Воспеть я хочу.

Но ты,

Ты не хочешь быть понята,

Поймана,

Исследована.

Ты скрываешься за полупрозрачной тканью,

Выглядывая,

Раззадоривая,

Показываешь свои грани.

И остается

Отчаяние,

Затем смирение-

Не смогу тебя узнать...

January 2012