Journey to India or visitng Sai Baba ashram

By Kam Kibash

Delhi,

December, 2013

Our plane has just landed at Indira Gandhi Airport and in twenty minutes I am chatting with Russian tourists helping them in filling migration forms. Shortly we are passing passport control and sharing a cab are heading towards Main Bazar (where I thought was my hotel). Russian tourists (two ladies about 25 years old) mention they are going to Goa tomorrow.

“And where are you going?” they ask.

“It’s a good question” I answer.

Well... After reading “Shantaram” one part of me wants to go to Bombay. Another part of me wants to stay in an ashram like in “Eat pray love” book, while a third part of me wishes to catch lazy sun rays in Goa.

"What to choose?" is a good question if to count that I only have eight vacation days, including today as well. And though the ladies ask me to join them in Goa.. I chose to let the Universe decide and to follow it's signs.

As soon as we arrive and I can't find my hotel, I ask a policeman in which direction it could be. It turns out it is somewhere else. Oje.

I wish ladies a good journey and stop riksha (two-wheeled cart).

When a driver moves, I take a breath and look around. Delhi seems noisy, dirty and overcrowded. On traffic lights, beggars approach and shout “Money”.

I must say I feel confused and shocked. They don't ask but they demand as if the whole world owe them. Deep inside, I feel ashamed for living a better life.

Are we born equal? If yes, why then someone is born in good conditions/healthy/beautiful and someone in bad, ill and ugly?

Could it be what they call karma? But if we treat ill and poor people in a way like "they deserve what they have" where is the compassion then?

Suddenly the cab stops in front of the building, that doesn't look like a hotel I suppose to stay tonight at all.

“Ms., please go to that building. They will explain” the driver sais in very bad English.

Feeling lost, I go inside where tall Hindu man greets me.

“Ms., we have to inform you that all the main roads are closed today because of elections. The hotel, where you wanted to stay, is also closed” he informs. 

“How closed? I’ve already paid for the accommodation” I reply.

But the stranger in front of me dials a number where they confirm that the hotel is closed.

“Where will you go after Delhi? What is your next point of destination?” a stranger asks.

“Goa” I answer.

And only when a tall Indian man starts to offer me Goa tickets at very high prices, as well as the hotel rooms in Dehli, I realize, I am in the hands of scammers. Pretending I didn't understand they want to cheat me, I complain that I have a very-very-very tight budget, say them “goodbye”, and go back to riksha.

“Please, bring me back to New Delhi Station" I ask.

Bringing me back to Main Bazar, the cab increases the price, justifying it like he waited for me...

Probably I should have said to him something like "What the hell you brought me God knows where?" and should have threatened him with police and shouldn’t have paid at all, but at that very moment, I was too confused to think clearly, and I just wanted to get it over as fast as possible and to stay on the safe side.

A little bit later, I am already strolling along the streets of Main Bazar, looking for a travel agency, where, according to my friend Zhan recommendations, they were selling reliable tickets at the reasonable prices.

I tried not to think what has happened to me. But I couldn’t. I was feverishly shaking at the thought of being in the hands of serious criminals who could easily hurt me or steal me or sell for slavery.

It was like if Delhi was mocking at me, saying: “And you considered yourself as a cool traveler?”

A lonely young lady with some money in my pockets, I was a potential victim for all the criminals. I didn't feel safe here at all. And wanted immediately to go back home but the thought that, thanks God, it all ended good made me feel quit.

“Miss, you want some bags?”

I ignore and continue walking along the street. I am in a flea market. Because of the Indian air, I feel dizzy.

Meanwhile, the sellers are trying to sell me everything they have.

When I notice the title of the hotel “Vivek” I sigh with a relief and enter in.

I am welcomed by a polite Hindu man. His name is Raja. I introduce myself.

“Zhan was saying this is the best agency in Dehli” I add.

Raja is flattered and smiles back. His eyes are so kind, and I feel myself a bit warmer and cozier like it is India carefully embracing me.

“Where do you want to go?” Raja asks.

“To be honest, I have no idea … I've read so many books about India and I would love to visit Bombay, Goa and ashram in Bangalore but I have only one week” I pronounce all at one breathe.

“Why do you want to stay in Ashram?” he inquires.

“To learn how to meditate" I answer.

“In Bombay it is dangerous for you to be alone. Neither is good for you to go to Goa. People do stupid things there. Better Ashram. This will suit you more. Don't worry not to visit all at once. You’re a young lady and you have a whole life in front of you” Raja advises.

It sounds reasonable what he suggests, and I see in his words a sign of the Universe. So I buy a ticket to Bangalore.

We talk for a while. Raja treats me with delicious Indian tea.

I share with him about the recent incident with scammers. His eyebrows stiffen.

“Never use riksha. Always order a taxi” he warns me carefully, and gives me his business card “If something bad happens to you, call me!”

“Thank you” I answer with a gratitude. It is nice to know I can rely on someone here.

In a while, there is a taxi waiting for me.

As it turns out there are no problems with the hotel accommodation but… the room where I am supposed to stay isn’t actually... clean...

"There is a cockroach!" I say in panic.

"Do not worry madam! It will go away" they answer.

I know I have to respect every God creation and they all have a right to exist but could they please exist somewhere far from me? Precisely not in my bed. And did I mention that the shower looks strange?

So all the day, that I planned to spend on city sightseeing went on reallocation from one hotel to another. Most of them are dirty and I hardly can imagine myself sleeping in any of them.

It is already a midnight, when I am finally settled. I paid more than I expected but at least this room is clean, cozy and they even bring me a cup of tea and a warm blanket.

Before going to bed, I am thinking “How shall I go from Bangalor to Puttaparti and find Sai Baba ashram?”.

But as soon as I catch myself on thoughts what would I do after I come back home I stop.

“I’m here … I’m only here … just here …” I repeat to myself “When the time comes, I’ll think about it”.

I am flipping through a meditation book I brought with me. The meaning of the word “guru” catches my eyes.

It is written that “gu” means “ignorance”, and “ru” is “to eliminate”. Thus the guru is someone who is eliminating the ignorance.

Perhaps it is a right idea to go to Ashram.

My soul needs it. My soul wants a guru, who will help me to get rid of ignorance and darkness, and to absorb a ray of light. With these thoughts, I fall asleep.

On the way to Sai Baba Ashram

At six a.m I am already awaken. Taking a shower and packing my things, I go down and try my first Indian breakfast. I have no idea what I tried exactly, but it tastes good.

Then I check out, and an airport taxi picks me up.

It is a warm December morning. Delhi seems calm and serene. I couldn’t differentiate is it a fog or a smog that envelopes the city.

Arriving at the airport, I drink a coffee and read a book.

Soon the boarding starts.

The whole flight I almost slept and open my eyes when we land at Bangalore.

Again I am worried.

“How shall I go to ashram?”

On the information point they let me know there is a bus that goes there. 

“Miss, you have to go to main bus station with a bus that goes from airport and there you can take a bus to Putaparti” they inform.

Soon I am on the way to the main bus station. Hilarious Indian music is playing in the bus. Bangalore looks like a beautiful, clean and green city, surrounded with palms. I see the colorful inscriptions in Hindi. My neighbor is a young Indian woman, dressed quite European (jeans, T-shirt). Her English is poor, and we can only exchange a few couple of words.

When I get to the bus station, I find out that my bus to Puttaparthi leaves in two hours only.

I sit on one of the benches, read a bit and watch bypassing people. Among them are old men, women in colorful saris, and children.

Time flies and here comes the bus.

My companions are a young Indian lady dressed in a yellow sari, and a kind old man, who continually treats me with Indian sweets. He gives them with his hands the way they are but I feel awkward to refuse and to look impolite. Hope I won't get any stomach disease.

The road is long. We bypass villages, where Indian women are washing clothes in small rivers while the kids are playing around.

It feels quit to watch peaceful village scenes.

Is already dark, when we arrive at Puttaparthi.

I ask about the Ashram and an Indian Man asks young Tibetan guy and an Indian schoolboy, who are also going there, to take care of me. We share ricksha together.

After my incident in Delhi I am a bit scared of rikshas but with local guys near me, feel safe.

Soon we are in front of the gates of Ashram. As it turns out the Ashram is just several minutes away from the bus station (we could even walk). But the cab tries to charge the price. When Tibetan guy answers something in Hindi he reduces it.

“Ms., did you book a room?" they ask at the ashram entrance.

"No" I answer.

"Sorry, Ms., but we cannot let you in. The ashram is closed after 9. Maybe you should sleep at a hotel today and come back tomorrow morning?”

I feel upset, but a Tibetan guy asks them to let me in, and after a while another Indian man is guiding me to dormitory.

It is very silent when we walk.

Inside the main hall of the dormitory we meet two security guys, who play cards.

I am catched by a picture of Guru (maybe Say Baba) that is hanged in the missile of the hall, and adorned with a garland and yellow flowers. From there a dense dark-skinned man with curly hairs is piercing me with his black eyes. His presence feels so real. It even scares.

I am escorted to one of the rooms where they have free beds.

“Good Evening! I’m Kama” I greet the roommates.

"Welcome!” they answer warmly.

So… My roommates are: Anna Louva from Switzerland, Jane from United States, Yuanna from Romania, and Rania from India.

We talk for a while, and I confess this is my very first visit to India and to this Ashram. After a while they instruct me about the dress code, and the ashram schedule. Since the time is late (however it is only 9), my neighbors go to sleep and in five minutes they switch the light off.

I only manage to wash my face, dress into a nightgown, and that’s it.

While my neighbors are already sleeping, I lie in a bed and try to reflect.

I feel a little bit strange here. The dormitory and my neighbors were embarrassing me a little bit. I don't feel comfortable about the guru photos hanged in our room (almost under each bed) as well. This is the most embarrassing thing for me to be honest. It feels like I am in the madhouse. I want to run away but where to run?

“Maybe it’s not too late to go to Goa? I have money” I think .

“You are already here" I hear a voice from within.

“Perhaps it will be possible to ask them to move me in a single room tomorrow?” I thope. And then I fall asleep.

Morning in Ashram

“Inhale and exhale”

I follow my breath. A sip of a fresh air clears my thoughts from all the worries and fears.

I feel warm wind cares my face and plays with my hairs. I hear birds chanting. I enjoy the moment I don't need to hurry or worry. I just allow myself being here... and now. My thoughts are clear as azure shore of the sea.

So begins my first day in Ashram.

Despite the fact I had some worries at night, I wake up in a good mood. My neighbours left and the room is empty. The first thing I wanna do is to solve accommodation issues.

"I would like to settle in a single room” I request on registration.

"Are you alone?"

"Yes"

"We cannot settle you, because of that. If you would have friends or relatives with you we could settle you separately” they answer.

For me it sounds a bit odd and illogical. I can not figure out the connection between being single and not having an opportunity to settle alone. I pay. ... Feel a surprise. It costs almost nothing to live in an ashram, which means I still have a chance to go to Goa and enjoy a nice hotel. I go to supermarket.

As my neighbors informed me the day before, for women living in an ashram it is required to wear long skirts and cover their shoulders with a shawl.

“What about the bare tummies I just saw?” I feel a protest deep inside, but the rules are the rules.

The territory of Ashram is very clean and green. There are several dormitories, shellacs, three canteens (North Indian, South Indian and European), main halls, a library, a bookstore, an ATM, and a supermarket.

The sun shines brightly and the weather is warm. I wear a T-shirt and jeans.

As it turns out, the supermarket opens only at 10, but there is already a long queue, consisting of European, Asian and Indian women all dressed in colorful saris.

I am struck how warm people are greeting each other by saying “Om Sairam”. It is unusual to see so many happy faces with love and kindness in their eyes.

But maybe this is how a civilized world should look like?

People care more about brands and material values but what about other attributes like kindness?

Soon the supermarket opens and the queue moves.

Meanwhile, I hear Russian speech. This is how I meet a couple from Ukraine: Irina and Alexander. They are a bit odd but funny. Both are vegetarians, and confess they live in Ashram for several months because... (here I expect to hear they wanna be more spiritual or enlightened or etc...but...) it's cheap. I burst into tears. Their honesty buys me and I already like them.

Irina promises to help me with an outfit so we choose a long orange skirt and a shawl for me. I also buy other domestic staff like soap, cup, and etc.

When we are done with a shopping, they invite me for a breakfast in their place.

Their double room (a huge bed, a chest of drawers, a carpet, and a bathroom) looks very cozy.

I exhale thinking about the shy bed I have in a huge shared room. I am not that into hostel life style but I have to get used to it for a while. I guess when I am back to my cozy apartment in my hometown I will feel like I live in a penthouse.

Our breakfast consists mainly of fruits. I eat fresh melon.

“How long are you both vegetarians?” I ask.

“Already for three years" they answer.

“What about proteins and iron? How do you get them?”

“People always ask. There are plenty of them in soya and dairy products, lentils, spinach,and nuts” they say.

“Good to know!!! How is it felt to be a vegetarian?’’ I'm curious.

“Lighter”

“Btw I’ve read that meat causes a feeling of depression because we are eating the energy of fear an animal feels in a slaughterhouse” I say.

“It’s true” they confirm “Animals have feelings like we do and souls as well. We consider it is a very human and civilised approach not to eat them and give them a right to live” they continue.

Probably one day I will try a vegetarian lifestyle. Though am not sure.

Then we are moving to political topics and discuss the actual situation in Ukraine. They complain after the president ran away from the country, the unemployment rate reached it's peak, and they both lost their jobs. Having some savings, Irina and Alexander decided to live in ashram for a while.

Now it's my part to introduce myself: I am from a neighbour country, Kazakhstan, I am working in an oil industry, not married, and I love to travel.

“Why did you come here?” Irina asks.

“To learn how to meditate,” I answer.

“Well… Do you know that nobody will teach you this here?“

“What do you mean?”

"People who are coming in this ashram already know how to meditate”

“But where are all gurus then?”

“Not here…”

I feel bewildered. How naive was I, thinking that if I only come here, there will be so many gurus walking around, smiling and willing to learn me how to meditate and precisely to reach nirvana.

“But it is not all so bad …" Irina noticed I feel upset "By the way, there is a magic tree of wishes and even a tree of meditation. Would you like to see it?”

Of course I would love to. After a while me and Irina are leaving the room, while Sasha stays in.  

If inside the ashram it is all quiet and peaceful then outside it is crowded and loud. Annoying sellers offer us everything they have: bananas, coconuts, saris, cookies, medicines and so on.

It is the first time I try a coconut juice.

"It feels like I’m drinking water, which is slightly sweetened with sugar,” I share my opinion with Irina.

“Exactly…” she nods.

We are already climbing up the endless steps of the hill, where stands a tree of wishes. We buy some sheets of paper with pens, red ribbons, and two coconuts.

As Irina instructs me, there is a special (weird) ritual for making the wish come true.

First of all we need to write down our sincerrest wishes. Then we should tie the sheet with a red ribbon on the sticks of the tree and finally break the coconut.

The first two parts are easy, but when it comes to a third one, I have difficulties with it. Coconut doesn't want to break. While I am beating and beating it desperately, I attract the attention of people. They look and smile.

“What if that’s it???” I share my concerns with Irina “What if it’s a sign that my wishes won’t come true or shouldn’t come true?”

“Bullshit!!! Just keep going and you’ll make it” she encourages me.

And indeed!!! Suddenly coconut breaks

“Now you must collect all the pieces and eat them,” she adds.

Perhaps a very high spiritual person might consider me as a miserable slaver of my wishes, but personally I consider that to live without desires is quite boring and... impossible.

Yes for sure from time to time I think something like “Why do I want what I want? Or is it really what I want???”

And I can fully agree that our mind is like a monkey always jumps from one desire to another and never feels satisfied.

When I share my thoughts with Irina, she adds “It’s not bad to have wishes. The question is what we want? Let’s say there are wishes that are bad for us … and there are wishes that are good for us …"

"But how to find out those that are good for us?"

"You just feel quit and happy about them. And in general you shouldn't take them so seriously. It's just all an experience. Just like you want an ice-cream or a cup of coffee and you go and try it without thinking too much if you really want it or not. Just be relaxed and take it easy". Is she my Guru?

Oh here is a tree of meditation,” she continues “Sai Baba liked to meditate here”

After a while I am sitting in the lotus position.

“Inhale and exhale”

I follow my breath. A sip of fresh air clears my thoughts from worries and fears.

I feel warm wind cares my face and plays with my hairs. I hear birds chanting. I enjoy the moment I don't need to hurry or worry. I just allow myself being here... and now. My thoughts become clear as azure shore of the sea.

I open my eyes and see a picture of Sai Baba, hanged on a tree. There he meditates with his closed eyes. I carefully look at him, and I feel an awkward feeling.

I guess it still embarrasses me that his photos are hung everywhere.

And then...I see an inscription:

“There is only one right religion … the religion of love (Satya Sai Baba).”

One simple sentence … but for me it's so meaningful.

Nowadays when there are continuous religious fights, where each side believes their God is the coolest and the way is the rightest, we need it. We simply need one God and one religion... the religion of love, compassion and acceptance. That’s what my soul was hungrily looking for.

"Good words” Irina nods “By the way Sai Baba was a good man. He built schools and hospitals for people. They are just here. Let’s go, I’ll show you”

It all looks impressing.

"Everyone can check his health for free,” Irina sais and adds the costs are operated at the expenses of donations.

On the way back to Ashram, we bypass statues of Shiva, Vishnu, Rama, and other Gods…

“It’s ridiculous how many gods they have and how they can memorize them all?” I exclaim.

“They are used to it” Irina shrugs her shoulders.

On the way back we see monkeys. I treat them with bananas.

“Be careful, they can steal your glasses!” Irina warns.

Anna Louva

By lunchtime I return to dormitory. After visiting morning chanting, my neighbors are resting, except Anna Louva.

Anna is a woman in her mid-seventies. She has curly, short hairs with ashy tinge. I like her sky-blue penetrating eyes, and stature growth. Perhaps, in her youth, she was a very beautiful woman.

Noticing I have a cough, she treated me with her pills.

“They are made on herbs. Drink them twice a day for three days and the cough will go away”

“Thank you!” I answer with gratitude, and feel a sympathy to my neighbor.

I show Anna a skirt and a shawl I bought in the morning, and she nods approvingly.

“I still don't understand why we should wear long skirts and cover our shoulders?” I question.

“When a woman wears long skirts and covers her shoulders, she accumulates female energy she can use for her inner spiritual growth while wearing jeans she blocks her chakras"

For me it sounds like a vague explanation but the idea to accumulate female energy looks attractive.

"For how long did you come?” Anna asks.

“Just for one weak”

“You need to be here at least for a month. Why did you come to ashram?”

“To learn how to meditate”

“Why do you want to meditate?”

“To learn how to make my mind quit and peaceful" I answer.

"Unfortunately there is no guru who would guide you" she sais "But I can learn you if you don't mind ” she adds to my surprise.

"Really?" I am more than happy to hear it.

"But we need to buy special beads for meditation"

“And where can we buy them?” I am excited.

“At the bookstore. It will open in a half hour. I’ll go with you there”

Thirty minutes after we are at the bookstore, selecting meditation beads.

“You take one bead and pronounce "Om Sairam ”, then you take a second one and again “Om Sairam , then a third one “Om Sairam” and so on until you repeat "Om Sairam" 108 times , then you skip the 109th bead and 1 round is over. If you want you can start a new round again" instructs me my neighbor.

"How many rounds I need to do?"

"In the beginning just one round is enough but you have to do it every day"

“What means “Om Sairam”?"

"From Sanskrit it means "this world is the continuation of us, and we are the continuation of this word”. The mantra helps to feel our unity with the Universe and make our mind peaceful”

“How beautiful!!! And that’s it?”

“Yes young lady … Oh yeah… In order to achieve better results it is recommended to meditate early in the morning, after you have your morning shower and dress yourself in clean clothes”

“How early?"

"Preferably half an hour before the sunrise”

“Why before the sunrise?“

"In Veda it is written, it is a time of God. Everything is silent and quit and it is easier to focus your mind on mediation or praying. They say at this time all the prayers are heard. During sunrise, if you are greeting the sun with surya namaskar, you are getting prana and it will give you energy for the day and a strong health”

“Thank you. By the way what is Veda?”

“Veda or vedic philosophy is a collection of the most ancient sacred knowledge that was passed from mouth to mouth … It appeared approximately five thousand years ago. And we still saved Vedic knowledge in our proverbs. Hence they say "the early bird catches the worm””

“Or the morning hour has gold in its mouth” I memorize.

“From the word “Veda” comes a verb “wit” adds my neighbor and continues "When you meditate try to ignore your thoughts … focus your mind on the sounds of mantra... think about God and feel the inner vibrations inside you”

“Think about God? I thought I should meditate on emptiness or something like this…”

"You can try if you can but it’s almost impossible to meditate on emptiness. The real purpose of meditation and yoga is to feel ourselves as particles of something big... You can call it Universe, Big Whole, or simply God. When we feel so, we merge into God and our minds become serene and peaceful. You came here to find God, didn’t you?”

I am silent for a while.

Did I come here to find a God??? I have to think about it later.

“By the way …” Anna adds “Sai Baba wrote a book about meditation, and it must be somewhere here”

While we are looking for a book on one of the bookstore shelves, I ask Anna “Who was Sai Baba?”

“Bah!!! You don’t know anything about Sai Baba?” Anna is surprised.

“No … nothing”

“Then why did you come exactly in this ashram?”

“My friend recommended it to me. I thought… Yeah why not??? I hope that there will be some guru, who can teach me about meditation” I confess.

"Then you have to buy a book about Swami too” Anna proposes.

“Swami?”

“Yes … We call him Swami … Look here!!! Here is a book about meditation… and this one is about the life of Swami” Anna hands me two books.

“Was he a kind of a Guru?” I ask, looking at the cover of biography book.

“He was more than that”

“Like who?” I am intrigued.

“I’ll tell you a little bit later”

After the bookshop, we are drinking fruit cocktails in the cafe, and walking along the alley. It is four o'clock. The sun is still shining brightly. The inhabitants of the Ashram are going to temple for chanting.

“What are they chanting?” I ask.

“In their chanting they are praising the Greatness of God. It is recommended to chant together in order to feel the unity... to feel we are something one…” Anna replies.

“It sounds so nice and makes sense” I nod.

While walking, Anna limps on her right leg. Two years ago she had an operation there. Whenever I try to help her, and offer my hand to lean on, she rejects and proudly answers “I’ll manage, young lady, but thank you.”

Seeing how difficult it is for her to make every step, and how courageously she behaves, never complaining, I feel a deep respect to her and I try to slow down my own steps.

“Are you married? Do you have children? "I ask.

"I’m divorced and have a son but we don’t communicate at all” she replies.

If before it seemed to me that maybe I am bothering her somehow, then at that very moment I realize that she feels lonely and she enjoys my company. I wish to give her as much attention as I can.

“Let’s go! I’ll show you a wonderful flower” Anna suggests.

And we are going to look at Anna’s favorite flower. It is a lily. Probably it is the first time in my life when I “see” this flower.

“She’s still a girl. Her petals didn’t open yet. But when they’ll open, she will turn into such a gorgeous lady” Anna pronounces with love.

“Is it true that plants are alive and they have souls?”

"Of course. They grow, they blossom, they die. Look, her stem tilts to the right. Do you know why?”

I shrug.

“Because she’s alive and she loves the sun and is drawn to it’s rays" Anna answers.

“The first time after operation" she continues "I felt indignant and angry because I had to move like a turtle, but when I started to walk slower than I used to, I was able to see so many things I never saw before… cause I was always running and running and life was always bypassing me… But now I see people… I see nature… I see life. I found my zen. Isn’t it great?”

I have nothing to reply, and I try to absorb this nectar of wisdom, Anna shares with me.

“Do you hear this wonderful voice? Let’s look at the bird who’s chanting”

A few minutes later we are looking at a tiny bird with a red-painted tail, sitting on a branch of a tree and singing.

“Who is it?” I ask curiously.

“I thought it is a mine, but not sure”

“She’s funny” I exclaim, smiling.

“Funny” repeats my neighbor with a smile.

It is such a nice and a kind moment.

“Look around!!! How beautiful is this world!!! God created for us such a wonderful world in order to remind us about Paradise and our spiritual essence” she adds.

I keep silent. In the face of the nature beautines we are wordless.

Butterflies are fluttering over our heads.

Looking at them I think “What if we also have to evolve like butterflies? We crawl back and forth like caterpillars, fixing ourselves on our endless material worries. But if we tear ourselves away from the matter and plunge into something deep... huge... spiritual... into God, then maybe we will understand that we are eternal souls... we are free... and we can fly like butterflies, won’t we?

While we are walking barefoot on the fresh grass, smelling the scent of flowers, and listening birds chanting, we don't notice how it gets dark.

When I share with Anna that I feel a strange trembling in my chest, she answers "It is because you were just living this moment. Isn’t it exciting?”

Dinner in "Western Cantina”

In the evening we are dining in “Western Cantina”. The food is Western oriented. Women of different nationalities and ages are kindly serving us.

“They are working voluntarily here "informs me Anna "This is their Seva”

“Seva?”

“Yes. “Seva” means “service”. Serving others, we serve  God and we are purifying our souls. Baba encouraged that”

“Do I also need to do the same?”

“It’s up to you. God gives us a freedom of choice how to serve him. And you have to find your seva"

As a main course I chose lasagna and Tiramisu for desert. Anna Louva is fine with a fresh green salad. Before eating, she prays.

“When we thank God for the food he gave us and ask him to bless it, it becomes sanctified and has a beneficial effect on us" she explains.

I follow her advice and ask God to bless the food. Lasagna tastes delicious.

“It seems like God blessing is even changing the meal taste” I comment.

“It is, young lady” Anna agrees.

We are eating in silence. My neighbor adds that eating in silence allows us to feel the taste of a food.

Only I start a dessert, she stops me.

“Do you want lo learn a sweet meditation?” Anna suggests.

“For sure”

" Look at the cake… notice how many layers of dough are in it and what is the texture of the cream… Try to enjoy the way it smells. Bite a little piece of it and put it on your tongue… let it slowly melt in your tongue. How does it taste in the beginning and after?

Be conscious of what you are eating and enjoy it"

I follow her advice.

“I feel like I was never eating before, but just swallowed the food, without realizing what I ate"

“Indeed” she nods and adds "Once you learn how to meditate and to make your mind quite and peaceful, your whole life changes. The way you eat, react on some things... your relations with relatives, friends, colleagues... everything changes cause you are changing. By the way where did you learn English so good?”

“In school. I always wanted to communicate with people from different nationalities and to understand them and their cultures"

"In our time it’s quite a shame not to speak the language one and a half billion of population speaks on. English is the language of the World. Tomorrow I’ll take you to an Indian cafe for a breakfast" she adds.

From a distance we see Jane, our neighbor. We wave her and ask her to join us.

Jane is Chinese, but born in United States. She is over forty and single (never been married).

We share our impressions about India.

"I come here every year” Jane sais and asks “Why did you come to this Ashram?”

“To learn how to meditate …”

“How did you know about the Ashram?”

“My friend recommended it”

“Was she also here?”

“Yes, she was”

“Actually, you didn't come here by accident …"Jane sais mysteriously.

"Sorry?”

“Swami called you. Did anything unusual happen to you while you were coming here?”

“I don’t know … I actually wasn’t quite sure if I should come to ashram or to Bombay or Goa…”

Briefly I share about my little adventures in Delhi and a story with cab.

“Swami was protecting you on your way and wanted you to go straight to him. Sometimes people plan to come here, but something happens to them and they change their mind because Swami doesn't allow them to come. But you got his personal invitation. He wanted you to come"

“How do you know? Are you talking to him? I thought he died”

“Psychically he did, but his soul didn't. Here, his disciples are talking to him. The voice of Swami guides us through our lives” Anna adds.

“But why did he want me to come?"

“He wants to tell you something”

“What exactly?”

“He will tell it later on”

“Who was Sai Baba by the way?” Was he a saint person or a yoggi?

Anna and Jane wink to each other.

“He was more than this…” sais Jane.

“He was a God” adds Anna and her eyes are shining with love.

*         *         *

“You mean the Lord- the Lord? The highest of the highest? Or was he his son like Jesus or a holy spirit?" I clarify.

“No … He was the Lord-the Lord himself”

“And why nobody knew about it? How it could happen that we didn't notice the God visit on Earth?” I ask cynically.

“This was the God’s desire not to show himself to everyone… Only the selected ones could see him”

“But why did he come exactly to India? And not tosome other parts of Earth preferably to my hometown?”

“India is his favorite place …“ Anna explains.

“Anyway I don’t get it” I confess.

“You don’t have to. Let’s say it was just his desire to come here and that’s it”

"But can a God have a form? Can he have a human form?”

"Why not? We have been created by his image haven't we? Plus if we say he can’t have a form then we are limiting his opportunities and power. Do we have a right to limit God’s power and decide what he can have and can not have?

“Well… Why then in a holy Quran it is said that God cannot have a form?” I argue.

“I understand your doubts” adds Jane with a smile on her face and continues “Actually Baba said that Muslims will be the last ones who will come to him” “Let’s say… God have a form and at the same time he doesn’t have it… because it is not material but it might look like it is”

“But why he decided to come right now? And not a century ago or so?”

“Because it is the age of degradation …” starts Anna “Look around! Institute of marriage lost it's value. Every second couple divorces and the majority of children are growing in incomplete families. Men are behaving like women, women like men, people are changing their genders, they are legalizing drugs and prostitution. People feel more depressed, lonely, and unsecured. Suicide rate is very high"

"It is because people denied God. It is a taboo to talk about God” she continues “and to believe in him.  The whole atheistic society makes you feel like an old-fashioned dull having a faith in God while they are so modern and cool and clever because they don’t believe”.

“Baba came in this world to save us from darkness and ignorance and to bring us to light” sais Jane.

“Anyway I can’t believe that God could live here in this ashram,“ I confess.

"Haven’t you realized that this Ashram is a reminder of a paradise?” Anna sais with a smile.

*       *      *

After dinner we are walking around the territory of ashram. Anna tells me about the miracles Sai Baba did.

“Once people saw him hanging on the moon” she adds.

I am silent. My mind refuses to accept Sai Baba as God.

“Tomorrow I will introduce you to Isabella” sais Anna.

“And I’ll bring you to watch a movie about Baba” suggests Jane.

I don’t reply.

On the one hand, I am so curious to know who Sai Baba is in reality, and on the other hand, I feel a kind of a pressure.

The question “WHO IS GOD?” is too serious for me to take it easily.

We return to the room. Rania is already sleeping while Yuanna is brushing her teeth. Although she is always friendly and nice, I feel her detachment from us and the whole world. She is not here , but lives in her own world.

Before going to bed, we are reading a bit. Sometimes I notice Anna Louva putting her book aside and staring at nothing.

“Perhaps she is in a deep meditation?” I assume.

Jane, in her turn, keeps silence the whole evening.

But despite the strangeness of my neighbors, I find we manage to live together, respecting each other space and I like it.

The most surprising thing is I don't feel an age or nation differences… We somehow manage to find a common language.

“The soul has neither age, nor nation, nor status …” I think and look through Sai Baba books.

“Only in silence and loneliness we hear the voice of God” I read.

Hmmm. So often I tried to run away from silence and loneliness like I tried to run away from myself but maybe once I accept it, I can find god in my heart and inner happiness.

Soon the light in our room turns off, although it is only nine (ridiculous). My neighbors are falling asleep immediately, while I keep turning from one side to another.

“What if Baba was a God?” is my last thought that I remember.

Breakfast at “Shanti”

When I wake up in the morning, I hear Anna taking a shower and singing. I don’t understand the language but I feel it touches every chord of my soul.

“In which language were you singing ?” I ask her “It seems like I heard it, but at the same time I am sure I didn't. Was it Hindi?“

"No. It was Sanskrit, an ancient language,through which we were all communicating five thousand years ago”

“What were you singing about?"

"Gayatri Mantra. I asked God to protect me from darkness and ignorance, and to lead me to light” Anna answers.

“How beautiful!” I confess.

“Your soul has recognized it” smiles Anna and we go for a breakfast to Shanti cafe

After leaving peaceful territory of ashram we find ourselves on the lively street where beggars are constantly approaching us.

"You have to work!” grumbles Anna “I also need money. Maybe you will give me some?”

I smile. Anna adds that in vedic philosophy they do not recommend to give money to beggars who might use them for ignorant things. And instead of helping them we only make it worse for them. Better to give them food.

Meanwhile, we bypass main street, and turn at the corner.

“Here we are” solemnly pronounces my neighbor.

The café “Shanti” is small but cozy. I count five tables, three of which are already occupied. We are siting down at a table near the window.

The owner of the café welcomes us friendly and asks what would we like to eat.

Anna orders two cups of coffee with milk and sugar, and two portions of upna. A few minutes later the owner of the place brings the breakfast.

“Where are the cutleriess?” I ask Anna.

“You don’t need them. Try to eat with your right hand cause it is a hand of God” Anna explains.

I try it and I like the idea to eat with my right hand cause my body always resisted to eat with a left hand.

Funny that people create so many rituals and rules how to eat in an aristocratic manner to look civilized and important, while the real civilization starts when we feel thankful to God for the food he gives us, when we ask him to bless the food, and we try to eat in silence and to eat with a right hand of God.

I finish my breakfast first and in order not to disturb Anna to finish hers, I look at the window and watch what’s going on outside. 

In the meantime, a small Indian boy with a rucksack on his back is probably going home from school. The street he bypasses through looks pretty dull and is surrounded by poor withered houses. Garbage is thrown everywhere. Cows and monkeys are trying to find some food there.

“How glad am I, I don't live here” I say after a while.

“Sometimes when you feel resistance to some place, it means you've already lived there in your previous life and it was full of suffering. Your soul remembers it… And if you feel good somewhere, then you had a happy life there” she concludes.

“Do you believe in reincarnation?” I ask.

“Of course I do” Anna replies.

“I wouldn't mind to imagine I was Cleopatra " I joke "I think people believe in reincarnation cause thinking that there is other life after this one gives a hope and makes it easier to accept death and it's hard to think we will become nothing” I express my point of view.

“Is it easier?” Anna sniffs “It is such a torture always to be born and die. Isn’t it quite boring to be born, to grow, to try to achieve something, to put some efforts in it, to get it or not to get it, to feel disappointed either if you get or don't, to get older, to get sick, to loose health, relatives, everything, to die and then again from the beginning”

I never thought about it from this perspective.

“But fortunately, we can break the wheel of samsara, the cycle of birth and death"

“How?"

“When we come to God”

“How can we come to God?”

“First we need to have a desire to find God, to understand who is God… Secondly we have to serve him"

“Honestly saying, I don’t like how it sounds to “serve God”? I confess.

“It’s the voice of your ego. Ego wants to dominate and to be like a God itself and that everybody around would serve him” she clarifies “Anyway in the end effect we always serve someone or something. We serve our family, our children, our boss, our society, our country. And they serve us.

But when it comes to serving God we feel a resistance cause for us he is someone who should fulfill our desires and should make everything happen how we want it.

But what does a God want? What can we do for him? Who is God? These are the three main questions we should ask ourselves"

"How can we serve God?"

"A good question, young lady. You know God is so merciful that he gives us a freedom of choices how we can serve him. Ideally the best seva is when we constantly think about God, when we read holy books, pray, meditate on God names, talk about him" Anna answers “Even just performing our social roles as mothers, fathers, wives, workers we are also serving him”

“We can offer all our activities to God as a seva even when we do sport or our hobbies. Do you have any hobbies?”

“Writing” I reply.

“Wonderful! Then write for God… write about God”

“But will people read it?”

“Of course… Nowadays people are very unhappy, lonely and hungry for God and they are searching for him.... for someone who will fulfill their emptiness and will give them a feeling of inner-love and happiness"

I am impressed. If before spirituality and God sounded like something vague then now I had some tiny understanding.

Meanwhile Anna asks for a bill and pays for us.

"I was inviting you” she insists when I try to protest.

“Next time I pay” I say.

“Okay” she agrees.

On the way back we go to supermarket. While we are queuing, two Indian ladies are trying to bypass us.

“How impolite” sais Anna.

One Indian lady shows at the belly of another one like “she’s pregnant”

“And I’m an invalid, but I’m also standing in a queue. You should move more. Pregnancy is not a disease" Anna answers.

I can not hide my smile.

Swami

The thoughts whether Swami was a God or he wasn't are constantly visiting my mind.

Once I was holding a book of Baba in my hands.

"You’re not a God!” I pronounced, looking at his photo.

The book fell on my right foot and it was hurting. Was he trying to contact me and kind of answer?

I share my doubts with Anna Louva, and confess my mind refuses to accept Sai Baba as a God.

“Then you have to talk to Isabella. Oh here is she” Anna Louva pronounces loud while we are walking along the alee.

“It’s nice to meet you" I say, looking at a beautiful woman in her mid-thirties.

“Same to me" Isabella answers. My new acquaintance is from Morocco. It is the fifth time she is coming in this Ashram.

“Isabella, I was just telling this young lady how long it took you to believe in Swami …”addresses Anna to Isabella.

“It’s true” confirms Isabella “I was born as a Muslim and for me it was really difficult to accept that God can have a form …”

“Exactly. I am also muslim" I exhale.

"The thing is … God is beyond our understanding … With our limited mind we can never understand him and his actions” adds Isabella.

*         *         *

While Anna and Isabella are talking about plants and flowers, I decide to have a walk alone and to think a little bit. 

Among my thoughts is something like “What do we really know about God?” 

Who is God? What kind of a personality is he? How does he look like? What does he want?"

I always was approaching to God only if I needed something from him. And then when God helped me and I received whatever I needed I forgot about him, even forgetting to say "God thank you" and continued to live like he doesn't exist.

But why? Why was I so forgetful? Unthankful and selfish?

Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose in this life?

I believe when I will find God, I will find the answers and I will find myself.

“Indeed…” I continue thinking “Why God couldn’t descend on this Earth if he wants to? God is all-powerful and can do everything can’t he?”

What if Isabella is right? God is beyond our understanding, and with our limited mind we are trying to grasp the vast.

While I was thinking and thinking all over again, I felt that my mind was going beyond its boundaries.

Perhaps I cannot understand God with my limited mind and I have to understand him with my heart.

On the way back I meet Irina and Sasha.

“How do you do? Have you already settled?” Irina asks.

“Yes, thank you …” I answer.

“Do you like being here?”

“I do. And you?”

“Oh… I hope to get out of here as soon as possible, without hating anyone. It’s like being in a madhouse among the nuts” Irina sais. I smile “Sorry, we’re in a hurry. I’ll catch you later” she adds and they disappear.

*       *       *

In the evening, Jane and I are going to the Main Hall to watch a movie about Sai Baba. I expect it to be like an autobiography about Swami and his life, but it is something different. In this movie Sai Baba sits on his chair with his eyes being closed and is surrounded by people. They are chanting something in Sanskrit (I guess so). And… that’s it. The picture doesn't change. We are simply watching people chanting.

I wait for further action, but nothing happens. And then I feel I am boiling.

“What the hell am I doing here?" I think "I have to go. Where is the door?"

Out of a curiosity, I observe the reactions of other people who are sitting there. But they sit quit and continue to look at the screen.

Their faces are looking completely detached.  Some of them are even lying on the floor, moving their hands strangely. It all looks quite odd.

I focus my attention at the screen hoping the picture will change. But it doesn't. Meanwhile, the mantra music is getting louder and louder. I feel the smell of incenses in the air.

My head is spinning. I close my eyes and suddenly… I hear the voice of Sai Baba in my head, like he greets me.

"Maybe I’m going crazy” I assume, and hurry to leave the main hall.

Jane follows me.

“Did you like the movie?” she asks while we are going to the dormitory.

“It was a bit strange…” I confess and add “I felt like Swami was talking to me”

“I congratulate you. Swami entered into your consciousness. Now you’re one of us "Jane sais. Her eyes are glittering brightly.

"One of us?”

“Yes … We are his messengers”

“Messengers? What do you mean?”

“We should spread his mission”

"His mission? What is it about?”

“We should spread the religion of love” she explains.

When we return to our room, our neighbors are already sleeping. Using lighters, we undress ourselves, wash our faces and go to bed.

Again I can not sleep immediately and I think.  

Perhaps Swami was not God, but he was a saint or yogi, who possessed some mystic power definitely.

I read that sometimes people could talk to saint people or yogis, and they answer them.

So it means that I’m not insane. Thanks God I am still okay.

With these thoughts, I fall asleep.

*       *       *

“This world is a continuation of us and we are the continuation of this world… Om Sairam … Om Sairam … Om Sairam” I pronounce, fingering the beads. When the turn comes to 109 bead (bead of God), I miss it, and start a new round once again.

So begins my morning meditation.

I woke up at 6:00 a.m (half an hour before the morning twilight), took a shower, put on clean clothes, and went to the tree of meditation.

And now for about twenty minutes I am kind of meditating.

“Don’t you have anything else to do?" whispers my mind sarcastically, and tries to convince me that I’m doing bullshit.

"Om Sairam … Om Sairam … Om Sairam …” I continue.

“I’m bored …” my mind is outraged, but I continue “OM Sairam… Om Sairam…Om Sairam…”

“Meditation is just a way to escape the reality for loosers” persuades me my mind.

I sigh.

Oh, this eternally doubtful mind! No rest from it.

This is the reason why I would love to learn how to meditate… to make my mind peaceful.

Yogi say that all our problems are coming from our mind. They say that the mind is stupid and is always unsatisfied.

How often it happens that we would like to achieve something, we suffer because we don’t have it, and then when we get what we want, we feel disappointed and we want something else, and then again we suffer, and this is endless.

“The main thing is not to pay attention to your thoughts, but to focus on the sounds of mantra, to think about God… and observe the inner vibrations” instructed me Anna in the morning.

Her advice inspires me to keep going and continue my “meditation”. I close my eyes and think about God.

Perhaps Anna was right. I came to India to find him.

I’ve been looking for God all my life without realizing it.

How often was I addressing to him when something bothered me, or when I was scared of something? And he was always there for me and he always helped me… always.

And what did I do in return?

Nothing. I easily forgot everything he did and gave me and continued bitching around… and always asked like as if I deserved it and as if he must have immediately implement all my wishes even if he hadn’t to.

And the thing is… despite the fact I behaved like a spoiled girl, he was always there and always was taking care about me when I needed him.

I felt such a huge wave of gratitude to God, and then I felt some vibrations inside of me. These vibrations were so warm and they were full of pure love… the love of God. This love was much bigger than I was capable to accept.

I began to breathe faster, and let this love go beyond the limits of my body… my ether… my Ego. This love was bigger than this village, this country, this Earth… It was going beyond the universe… and I felt myself a part of this universe… a part of unity… a part of God.  

This is my first meditation.

No, it didn't last for hours … Maybe just some couple of minutes… maybe less. But it was a delightful couple of minutes, full of love and feeling of happiness.

I open my eyes and look at the picture of Sai Baba.

Out of curiosity, I decide to enter into a dialogue with him.

“Baba, please tell me, will I marry?” I ask him.

“Yes you will" he answers.

“Will I marry?” I repeat my question again just to be on the safe side.

“No” he replies.

“But you just said that I will?“ I protest in panic.

"Do you have any other questions?” Why do you ask me the same question several times? “ he answers and burst in laugh.

“Is he a kind of a joker?” I think, leaving the tree of meditation.     

*       *       *

“Sai Baba is indeed the funniest joker I ever met. He jokes with me constantly" sais Yuanna with a warm smile on her face. I met her at the breakfast in Western Cantina.

“Oh!!! Woooowww”

"God has a great sense of humor and he is not a bad guy who will continue punishing us for all the bad deads” she adds “It’s pity that modern religions are so busy with the code of rules and prohibitions what we should and shouldn’t do but they do not tell us anything about God”.

"What kind of personality God is?” I ask curiously.

“God is good and very kind. And he loves us very-very much” sais Yuanna.

“All of us? Even if we did some very-very bad things? "I clarify.

“It is only in our minds something is right, something is wrong, something is bad, something is good. But it is all lessons and experience. God loves us unconditionally as the mother loves her child” Yuanna answers with love.

“Do you know that God is also missing us and this is the reason why taking different avatars and forms he descends on Earth?" continues my neighbor. Her eyes are shining.

Now I understand why we should communicate with spiritual people. They share with us not only their wisdom but their love to God. And on the contrary when we communicate with materialistic people we are absorbing their materialistic desires that might be not ours at all. Thus, we are the people with whom we communicate. 

I look carefully at my neighbor. Being always silent, isolated and independent, Yuanna felt herself quite comfortable being in her intimate company with God.

“Are you married?” I ask accurately.

“No. I don’t need anyone except Swami” she answers.

"How did you come here?”

“It all started with my interest in yoga. I used to travel a lot and once the wind brought me in this Ashram. In the beginning I thought “who are all these insane people around me?”. It all looked odd and weird. But when I saw Swami" the last words she whispers with a tenderness in her voice “I immediately realized in front of me is... God. Do you know he could do miracles and change the weather?"

“Really?” I am suspicious about it.

“Yes, but this is not the main thing. Swami changed me a lot. Before, I used to fall easily into a melancholy and depression. I tried to visit different psychologists. But they couldn't help me, and I felt only worse and more depressed”.

“I tried my best to follow the philosophy of “being always positive” she adds “but it was like temporary pills, which were causing the breakdowns after”

“In general it’s a very shallow philosophy cause you can’t be really positive out of emptiness” she adds.

“I absolutely agree” I exhale.

“Nothing was helping me. At all” she continues “But when I met Swami… He just entered in my life, and fulfilled all my emptiness”

“God is the happiness for which we are chasing. God is love for which we feel hungry and he is the home we are looking for. And when we try to search happiness or love or our home we are searching for a God indeed. Everything else is just an illusion. With God, I feel peace and confidence and I know he will always take care of me and I don't have to worry about anything anymore. He is the best Antidepressant“” she finishes.

*       *       *

After Yuanna’s words, there is a click in my head.

The last few days I just want to be on my own to refresh my mind and to digest all the information I received.

I walk aimlessly around the streets of Putaparthi, where the same persistent sellers, annoying beggars and noisy tourists are hanging around.

Coming on the bank of river, where Swami used to do some miracles, I think "was Swami a God or he wasn’t?”.

Deep inside (maybe because I was born as a muslim???) I think if I admit that Swami is a God, I would kind of betray Allah, I would betray my religion and tradition and my freedom of choice.

But why should I?

How can it be that God is present in one religion and absent in another?

“What if I’m not an open minded person, and not open to accept something new, like one of those people who couldn’t believe that the Earth is not flat how they used to think it was but round?

What if I’m not ready to accept God in the light of new knowledge… in the face of Sai Baba for example” I continue to think, passing by the tiny Indian houses.

“Why did he decide to come right now?”

“Perhaps in the age of Capitalism, when money, greediness, manipulation, desire of success are set above spirituality, and people use each other for the sake of material gain (sex and money), feeling themselves more and more lonely, deserted and unhappy we need more than ever a God who loves us unconditionally?

And yes he is beyond our understanding the same as our life, birth and death. We cannot even explain where are we coming from, where we will go after, and who are we, but once we start looking for God we will find all the answers.

"But why from all the places of the World he's chosen India?”

Why didn’t he come in my hometown for example?

I look around and the answer comes itself…

"India is really a magical country. It always attracts people. Perhaps because it is a God seeking country where the spirit and soul are set on the first place and maybe that’s why he likes to come here?”

“But how could it happen that we people of the whole universe immediately know that somewhere there was a hurricane or somebody killed somebody, but we didn’t notice the visit of God on our planet?

“Maybe not everyone is ready to see the God? Isn’t it quite scary? We are so afraid of aliens or ghosts and are we really ready to see God? Or are we here to forget him?”

I don't notice how my legs are bringing me to small bazaar. In one of the shops I see a picture of Baba when he was young. In his eyes I see such a divine light that probably only God can have.

Do I believe that he is a God?

Maybe I do …

Seva

One of my acquaintances, after visiting India, told me in this country the energy is so enormous once you start thinking about something, it immediately happens.

Once I started to search for my Seva, the answer came immediately.

It all began when Rania, our Indian neighbor, left the room. Instead of her came Bibi. She was from Iran, but the last few years she lived in London.

It was her seventh year visit. Being tithe and brick she revived our modest well-being with her cheerful chatter. She spoke and spoke in non-stop mode, and even with herself.

Yuanna was unable to withstand such a rude interfere in her familiar silence, and moved in another room. And quite soon she was replaced with Ivy, who had some speech defects. Nobody could understand what our new neighbor wanted to tell us and we all cheated like we do.

One evening I’ve noticed two European women near our room. One of them was about my age, another looked quite older. I decided that maybe they are mother and daughter.

"Excuse me!” they turned to me. In their pronunciation I’ve noticed Dutch accent.

“Yes?” I replied.

“My name is Elena. This is my niece Mary Ann. We are from Netherlands” they introduced themselves.

“Very nice to meet you! I’m Kama” I replied.

"Do you have some free beds in your room for my niece? It would be great if she will settle among young girls of the same age like you”

“Yes, we just have one free bed” I replied, and turning to Mary Annie, added “Welcome in our room!"

"Thank you,” Mary-Anne replied with a smile.

She seemed to be as a very pleasant girl, and I felt that we would become friends soon.

This is how one more new neighbor joined us.

*       *       *

My intuition was right. We easily found a common language with Mary Ann, and quickly became friends.

“Why did you come here?” I ask her the next morning, while we are having a breakfast at cafe “Shanti”.

“I just recently broke up with my boyfriend … We were together for about three years. And once Tim, my ex, told me he wanted to take a break from our relations…

In order to get it over I decided to go somewhere… to travel around. And when my aunt was going to India, she invited me to go with her and here I am…” Mary Ann answers.

I saw sadness in her eyes.

"I understand you so well. I also had similar relationships. Though we were just one and a half year together, we broke up with the same reason, and it was hurtful. It felt like amputation. Something was taken from me. But the good thing is it all goes away… You just need some time” I say.

"I hope so…” Mary Ann sighs.

I think the less she will think about her pain the faster it will go away and decide to change the topic.

“So you also have no idea, who Sai Baba is?” I ask in a while.

“No” confess Mary Ann “Who is he?” comes her question.

I share with her all I heard from my neighbors… like he was a kind of God. Her eyebrows rise in a surprise.

Seeing a familiar skepticism on her face, I smile and add “At least I’m not the one now… there are two of us”

“Honestly saying, we came here to do some charity" sais my new neighbor.

"What kind of charity?”

“I promised my aunt Elena that I will help her with organizing the Christmas preparation for orphan kids from Happy Home”

"Can I also participate? I always wanted to do something like this but never tried”

“Of course you can! Free hands are always in a demand. Tomorrow we are going there” Marry Ann answers “But let me first discuss it with my aunt”

Later on we found out that her aunt didn’t mind either.

On the eve of the trip, I feel excited, because it is my first time when I go to visit such kind of places.

I am a bit worried "What shall I tell to the orphans? And how shall I behave with them?”

“Give all your worries to God. Make it as your service to him and he’ll make it easy” sais Anna Louva, when I share my doubts with her.

Again there is a wisdom in her words. How often we think that we should approach to God only if there are big things like death, illness or so but how nice it is to share with God our little worries and to feel his everyday presence. Isn’t it a lovely experience?

When I gave all my worries to God, I felt quiet and peaceful. And this is how I found my Seva.

Happy Home

Another new day has begun. We woke up quite early with Mary Ann, had a breakfast at “Shanti”, and took a cab to Happy Home.

A nice young woman with kind eyes meets us at the entrance.

"Welcome to the “Happy Home! I’m Ranjita” she introduces herself.

"I’m Kama”

"I’m Mary Ann” we introduce ourselves.

Ranjita take us inside, and guides us around. I am pleasantly surprised that the house where the little kids are living is in a very good condition. The kids have everything they need.

“And where are the children?” I ask.

“They’re in school. They should come back after lunch” informs us Ranjita.

I look at my watch. It is only ten a.m.

"How can we be helpful?” we ask.

“We’re going to decorate the house for Christmas and we need to make some garlands …” she replies.

“Okey we are ready to start" we answer with Mary Annie and occupy ourselves with some work meanwhile having a pleasant chat with Ranjita.

Ranjita tells us she is from Tibet. Then she ask whether we like India, we nod, and after that we smoothly switch to Sai Baba.

Ranjita describes her first experience with Sai Baba.

“It was a long time ago” she starts “At that time, I didn't really believe in Sai Baba and that he could be a God. That’s why I always was avoiding his Ashram.

But one day, Swami came himself. I saw him at the threshold of my house.

Suddenly, strange things started to happen with the weather. First it was foggy. Then it started to rain. And then it was sunny. I was very frightened.

Sai Baba was looking at me for a long time, and without even opening his mouth, he said to me mentally that I should continue his mission and should take care about the little orphans.

Then he disappeared, and I realized that it was a God in front of me”

Looking into her brown eyes, I believe that she was telling the truth.

“After his visit, my life became more meaningful. With the help of God I’ve managed to organize a fund that was aiming to help homeless children, and soon despite the difficulties I went through, we’ve managed to get a house like this… God was always helping us and continues to help” Ranjita adds.

Listening to our new acquaintance, I feel ashamed.

"What have I really done good in my life?” I am thinking, and memorize all my selfish desires and thoughts.

“It is such a pity that we didn’t see Sai Baba, and his miracles” Mary-Anne sighes.

“No, no … do not feel sorry about it… He will come back again. He will be again reincarnated. He even painted his new face that he will have in his new re-born form” pronounces Ranjita, and shows us a picture that they called as new avatar (a future reborn face of Swami).

Mary Anne and I look at each other with a surprise.

"Maybe he was even born already somewhere and will soon show up” she adds.

“It will be really interesting to see him again!” we say with Mary Ann.

“Maybe he really could be a God … and it was one of his expansions why not?” I think so.

  *       *       *

Soon the children come back from school. I feel a bit odd until they start to embrace us with their little hands. There were so many of them there. Looking at the poor crumbs, who did not have the mother’s love, I feel so close to cry, while they, on the contrary, are smiling and looking happy.  I hug them back, and wish I could give them as much love and warmth as possible.

The rest of the day, Mary Anne and I are engaged in all children’s activities: we are painting together, singing, and dancing. The children are delighted.

When it's already six p.m, Elena shows up. Mary Ann told me her aunt was actively contributing to the financing of the children’s fund and was attracting some donors.

“Life is not such a bad thing as long as there are people like Elena and Ranjita” I think vulnerably.

Nowadays it’s so touching to meet such people like them, who found the highest purpose of their lives and made their lives as a continuous Seva, serving others. 

Even if Elena wasn’t religious at all, she was still spiritual and she had a kind heart. Serving to little kids, she was serving God, and definitely she deserved more the right to go to heaven than some spiritual fakers who were pretending to look spiritual but were mechanically practicing all the rituals from their religions and constantly hated all other religions.

“Probably this is the happiness? Maybe I should also try to do something good for others?” I think.

After dinner, the children are chanting in Sanskrit:

“Om… Shanti … Shanti …”

Listening to the mantra addressed to God and performed by little kids, I feel a shiver running through my skin. They were so sincere and I feel the God is here.  

“God, please protect these little children…” I pray to him.

 *       *       *

At night, I am awaken because I feel someone’s gaze. Opening my eyes, I see Bibi face in the darkness. She is sitting on her bed next to mine, and stares at me, smiling.

“What the hell is this?” I think, and pretend like I am still sleeping.

Time to go

The last day came fast. It was time to say goodbye to my neighbors who became so close to me like my relatives.

“This is a gift from me. I know you like to write. Here you will write down all your important thoughts” Mary Ann said, holding me a beautiful small notebook.

"So cute. Thank you so much!” I replied with a smile “And this is a red scarf for you to remember about me” and exchanging the gifts, we embraced each other warmly.

"In such a short period, you became so close to me like my sister. So pity you’re leaving so soon” her voice was sad.

"And you to me … I also feel sad I have to go” I replied.

“Please let me know when you arrive safely” she asked.

“I will” I promised.

“And now my turn..” the voice of Anna Louva sounded “This is a picture of Sai Baba in his youth, which you liked in that shop…”

“Oh, thank you so much" I replied “And this is for you a warm blanket, so that you are not freezing at night”

“It’s so kind of you" said Anna, and added “It was such a pleasure to talk to a such wise lady like you”

“And how much I felt a pleasure to communicate with you… You taught me about sweet meditation… walking barefoot on the grass… listening how the birds are chanting … you taught me how to live. Thank you so much!”

“Remember it” Anna Louva answered, and a cheerful smile appeared on her cheek. “You are a very sincere, deep and a kind person, I wish you to find God, to find your seva, and luck will always accompany you cause where is a God there is a victory!”

"Thank you!” I hugged Anna.

“You have to come here again, stay here a bit longer and clean your soul” Anna added.

“And from me a book about Swami” it was Jane.

“Thank you. And this is your favorite Indian sweets” I replied.

“So kind of you. By the way today I heard Baba’s voice. He said that he wants you to write about him and spread the religion of love around the world”

“I’ll try to” I answered, feeling a little bit embarrassed.

After saying goodbye to them all, I left Ashram and headed to the bus station.

It was an early, calm morning. But I knew that in two hours Putaparthi streets would become alive. Some beggars were sloping around, and instead of feeling bad about them I tried to wish them from the deep of my heart all the best. Feeling my warm attitude to them, they didn’t bother me.

Fifteen minutes later my bus arrived.

When we were leaving, I looked at the windows of Puthaparti saying goodbye to this village and thanking it for it’s hospitality.

“Baba, I still think that you were not a God,” I was thinking.

Suddenly the sun hided under the clouds and the fog embraced the city.

“Or maybe I do believe you were God" I added “Please protect me on the way back” I prayed to him like if he was God.

And suddenly … the weather cleared up again and it became sunny. Deep inside I felt light and easy.

“People should follow that spiritual way, which brings their souls a feeling of love, light and happiness" I thought.

The truth is somewhere near…

At Bangalore bus station, I changed my bus to another one that was going to airport. There I met a Malaysian woman with whom we had a small chat. She said that her son was studying in India, and she came to visit him. In response, I told her about my Indian adventures.

“You are a very brave young lady. Not everyone will dare to travel alone in India” she said.

Soon we arrived at the airport.

I still had two hours in reserve. I was sloping around, and decided to eat something in a cafe. Almost all the tables were occupied except one, where a young Indian man was siting.

“Excuse me, can I seat here?” I asked. An Indian man nodded.

I sat down in front of him.

“Are you from Kazakhstan?” he asked.

“Yes” I answered in a surprise

Usually people were looking at me and couldn’t understand was I Japanese, Korean Chinese or Russian.

“It's easy. You are Eurasian” he replied and introduced himself “I am Rauf”

“Nice to meet you, Kama”

“How did you like our country?”Rauf asked.

I shared my impressions about India. When I started to talk about Sai Baba ashram, his eyes narrowed.

“How many days did you stay there?”

“Ten days” I answered.

“And how did you know about the Ashram? Why did you go there? ”

“I wanted to learn how to meditate. Some of my friends advised me to go there”

“Hmmm … By the way I am myself from Putaparti” he said.

“Oh then you probably should know about Sai Baba?”

I already expected that my new acquaintance would tell me about some other miracles, which Sai Baba did, but…

“The Ashram where you lived is actually a kind of sect and people there are insane” he said.

 *       *       *

“What do you mean?” I asked, feeling a goose bump on my back.

“You probably think now he is a God, don’t you?” Rauf was grinning sarcastically.

“I don't deny he could be” I shrugged my shoulders.

“Do you really think that God can get ill or can die? Or why God could not even predict the exact day of his death?"

"I also thought about it” I confessed “So you think that the people who were living in the Ashram were crazy?”

Rauf nodded.

The meaning of his words were only coming to me.

But what about Anna Louva? Jane? Yuanna? Bibi? I don't think my neighbors were mentally ill...

And suddenly… there was a click in my head. How often I saw Anna’s insane look, which I counted as a kind of progressive meditation process?

Or Jane… I remembered after we watched the film with Swami, her eyes were glittering unhealthily.

Yuanna? She always was walking with a detached gaze.

I thought their strange unhealthy behavior was a part of spiritual meditation process.

And Bibi?? The last night… on the eve of my departure she looked at me and smiled like … crazy???

I was shocked.

Irina’s words flashed through my mind.

“They are all insane here. I want to escape from here as quickly, as possibly without hating anyone” she said last time when I saw her.

The funniest thing is I always felt something wrong there. The first day I came in Ashram I felt it and wanted to run away. But then I decided to throw these thoughts away, and ignore them.

“But how did they become mentally ill? Were they ill before or became so? "I asked.

"Of course they became. In this Ashram, they are brainwashing them"

“That’s exactly what happened to me ..” I confessed, and I felt terrified.

“You were lucky that you didn’t stay longer in the Ashram. They probably have told you that you have to stay longer like a month. This is enough time fully to brainwash you. Being among crazy people is enough to become crazy yourself”

“Oh my God!!!” I exclaimed in my heart. The thought what could happen to me if I would have stayed there longer was terrifying me.

“It wasn’t an accident that they have settled you in that room and didn’t allow you to have a single room. Your neighbors were already there and were supposed to fulfill their mission of spreading light and love and make you insane as well” said my new acquaintance.

“Yes!!! I even thought it was strange I couldn’t stay in a private room and always felt a pressure from their side" I admitted.

"But who benefits from it?” I asked.

“Everybody who can have profit … People are coming. They are brainwashed. Then they come again and again to clean their souls and they donate a lot of money to purify their karma. Seeing that you are a young tourist with some money, they decided that you should also be brainwashed.

And they probably told you that you should come to the Ashram every year and clean your soul didn't they?

"Yes!!!Oh my God!” I was shocked, realizing where I was.

I felt like a main character of a detective movie. But here instead of bodies they were stealing the minds and the souls of people.

“To make a person insane in order to get money from him was worse than just to kill the person or to rob him.

How easy it is to make an absolutely healthy person mentally ill. From wisdom to insanity, there is such a small step” I thought.

Thinking about my neighbors, I felt sad. Lonely, depressed, and unhappy they were ideal victims for such sectarian organizations.

“How did these sects appear?” I asked.

“They were always existing. Churches, mosques, and other religious organizations are the same sects” he added. “Why do we have to pay for churches?” Why should we make donation?"

"Well… maybe that they can exist further” I suggested.

“What for? Why do we need them?”

“Hmmm …”

Perhaps the question was rather rhetorical, because Rauf continued

“Previously, priests were a kind of mediators. They could read the bible in Latin, which the illiterate people could not. And now the Bible is translated and available to everyone. Why do we need priests now?”

"So that people know what is good and what’s bad” I replied.

“This can be taught by parents …”

“That there is no chaos. That people do not kill, do not steal, and so on …” I continued.

“For that we have the legislative system”

“Then probably, we need religious institutions, so that a person finds spiritual path and approaches God,” I concluded.

Rauf smiled skeptically, “We don't need mediators to find God. The way to him is straightforward”

*       *       *

Soon we went on boarding, and a couple of hours later landed safely at the airport of Delhi.

Rauf ordered for us a taxi, and asked the driver to drive me first to the hotel.

"Take care of yourself and avoid such places!” he warned me and said goodbye.

I returned to the same hotel where I stayed my first night.

A receptionist escorted me to my room.

After taking a shower, I found out I still had few hours to explore Dehli.

But…

“Perhaps it’s enough adventures for me already” I decided, and stayed in the room. I had enough time to review my luggage.

Suddenly, I had a feverish desire to get rid of all the things that reminded me about Sai Baba.

I opened the window and threw away all the books and photos of Swami that I had.

I wish I could erase him from my head.

That night I coudln't sleep at all. I was thinking, thinking, thinking feeling a shiver.

The next morning I woke up early, had a breakfast, and went to the airport.

I wanted to leave the country as soon as possible.

I was wandering around Delhi airport, bought some books and went on boarding.

Conclusion

“Welcome in Kazakhstan" sounded a pleasant female voice.

“How I love Almaty” I thought, looking at the night lights of the southern capital of Kazakhstan.

After being in India, people usually come back enlightened, and peaceful. How I wish it could be my story I could share with you… but now... I still ask myself “Why did I go there?” “What was I looking for?”

Was I looking for God?

But isn’t he in our hearts?

Away from Ashram and India, I could easily recover and think rationally.

I felt a sadness and at the same time tenderness towards my neighbors.

“How wise they were in their madness!”

"Maybe it’s not them but we are crazy?”

What is the true nature of insanity?

Could it be a Capitalistic World we are living in? We are all brainwashed ideas of success and money and material things aren’t we?

Or is it all about loneliness and unhappiness?

Those people whose values ​​do not coincide with the values ​​of the modern world and who are looking for spirituality and God are always alone in their search.

And without finding a point of support they create their ideal world, their paradise, their sect and "go mad”.

Sai Baba …

A lot of good and bad things I’ve read about him.

Was he a God or he wasn’t?

Nowadays, we all pray to someone, meditate on something and go crazy about that…

We all have our Gods…

For someone, it can be Warren Buffet, for someone Naomi Campbell, for someone "Queens" or the football team “Real Madrid”.

For my neighbors it was Sai Baba, in whom they saw a spiritual friend, a point of support or a lover.

For me personally, he will be a kind of yogi possessing the mystical powers, who taught me the religion of love.

No, I don’t regret I visited Ashram of Sai Baba, because it was there the first time when I began to think “Who is God?” Who are we? Why did we come here? What is the purpose of our lives? And once I will find my God, I will find myself. The God is Enigma and a Great Secret. And maybe only insanes can unravel God??? But who will believe them?

One thing I knew for sure … My God is kind, merciful, he loves me and I want to find him. My last thought was “I have to write Mary Ann … I have to warn her.”