JJ2403

So many things have happened to me in the short space of a few months. And they still keep happening. But only in one of my worlds. I've moved away from home when I was 17, to study. For about 4 years I was stupidly studious: I did nothing but study, and did not in any way root myself in my new home. I did not even consider it a home. It was just temporary residence away from home. But somehow, somewhere along the way, my "original" home - Kazakhstan - stopped being my home. At least my only home. Thus, for the past few months I've felt like I've been living two different lives, somewhat of a fraud in each. This red string of fraudulence has manifested itself even before - when I was younger and felt that my private and public life were too rigidly separated. Only now that I find my home…

Turns out I haven't been here for almost three years. I was planning to write something tomorrow, preferably in Russian, to prevent myself from completely losing the written language. The reason this post is appearing earlier than planned is that I just watched Mistress America and felt compelled to put down a few thoughts. Brooke, played by the effortlessly mesmerising Greta Gerwig, reminded me in some respects of C. Rather, Tracy's adoration of Brooke reminded me of my first feelings about C: being completely immersed in the light that emanates from someone so utterly alive in such a way that makes you shine, and makes you believe you can. "Meadow DeRiggi lived exactly how a young woman should live who wants to spend her youth well. She did everything and nothing, and spent time like I…

Well, it seems that a diary entry I wrote just now wasn't saved on my computer so that sucks. Not that I reread my diary entries, but still, it's kind of a shame. Something useful I managed to do: 1. Finalise my school schedule. 2. Attend a class 3. Wake up early 4. Research grad school opportunities and scholarships How I managed to indulge myself: 1. Paneria (still the best panini I've ever tasted) Today's Featured Movie: Dead Poets Society (1989) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097165/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1 The only reason I ever wanted to be a boy is to attend a really great boarding school and form great friendships that would last forever. Otherwise, being a girl suits me just fine. The boys in this film are really great. I love how they - despite how different they are in their values and c…

Были женщины — по плечо, Были женщины мне — по грудь. Но — по сердце Была одна. Просто пo сердцу мне она. Всё идёт ей — Тоска в глазах, И пушиночка в волосах, И жестокий, капризный рот, И зубов обнажённый лёд. Даже пальчиков нежный хруст, Даже слишком невзрослый рост, Даже тридцать четвёртый год. Всё идёт ей. Как всё идёт!.. Аз тэ обичам Пьянее чёрного вина чужого взгляда, мне для гармонии — она, а ей — не надо. Мне до свободы нужен шаг, а ею пройден, она предельна в падежах, я — только в роде. Она в склонениях верна, я — в удареньях, так выпьем тёмного вина — до озаренья! Поищем горькой черноты, чтоб излучиться, событью нужен я (и ты!), чтобы случиться. И разве не моя вина, что не случилось, и разве не моя вина — не получилось. И разве не моя вина — не сделал кличем: аз тэ обичам, я любл…

it's 4 am in the morning and i still haven't gone to bed. i am supposedly working on my research paper presentation but i got caught up in tumblr reblogging since there is so much amazing stuff in there. i might ahev found a new addiction. i deleted my vk account today and i don't feel crippled, so it's a good sign :) listening to civil war's poison and wine and my is that song wonderful. today is my mom's birthday and i feel great. i think i won't go to bed tonight becaue i don't really feel like it and anyway i still haven't done anything decent on my presentation. so, more work, tea and procrastination. then i have to hit the gym on friday and start working on my enf od the semster assignments. i might skip the first summer semester and do nothing for two weeks, or i might enroll, i ha…

I'm just feeling reaaallly unbalanced right now.

Why would fate introduce us to someone absolutely perfect just to snatch them away a moment later? That's just so unfair and so sad. And then you go on with your life and you turn down every single person that likes you just because they are not them. Everyone else pales in comparison.

The only thing to do is to hope that one day you'll just get over that person, but - honestly? - I don't think it's going to work. The only thing to do is to pray and hope you'll see them again to get another chance or just to realize you were mistaken all along and they're your Ashley Wilkes. Just pray you don't turn out to have a Rhett Buttler, too.

I realized that the pattern i set to myself by previous posts set certain constraints on the extent to which this blog will see the authentic me, or rather, the me that feels and thinks, not the one that receives, digests, and spits out evaluations.

I decided I'll alternate the day-to-day posts with posts where I'll try to tackle some of my thoughts and feelings currently bothering me

As always I have a hard time keeping up the posts. I think it's a general problem of mine, keeping up the work. Discipline is definitely an issue. It's 20 degrees here in Prague, the weather is beautiful, the air is full of spring, birds are chirping and people are coming alive. I know I am. It's incredibly hard to confine myself to my apartment to study because of the ebautiful view outside, but I have to. Next week is the mid-term week and ater that I'll be enjoying a week free of homework and study-related worries. And, I'm turning 18 next Saturday. So we'll see how that goes. I feel significantly more relazed about the age issues, but still there is a tint of an "under-achiever" sentiment to my evaluation of the past 17 years. I struggle and I fear I am too weak to fight the environme…

Well.. Today was a nice day. The classes were nice, I got all 15% on my econ assignment and I like the fact that I had the day planned out. School is actually good, it disciplines me and gives my life the order it sooo lacks. I find myself becoming more and more relaxed about my assignments. I'll just try to be more confident when approaching homework from now on. I was reading Atwood on my way to and from school and there were a couple of pages where the narrator talks about her mother and as I was reading these pages on the tram, a fellow passnger's phone rang and I snapped my head instinctively to the sound to realized only a couple of seconds later that the reason i did that was because she had the exact ringtone my mother has. It was a bit weird, but it's these little things that rem…

Something useful I managed to do: 1. Had a very pleasant work out. 2. Did World History homework. 3. Managed to keep to my healthy nutrition. How I managed to indulge myself: 1. Internet. Goood I really have to quit wasting my life on social networks. I'll start by deleting my vkontakte account sometime soon. 2. Watching Kravtz's Обнуляй about ten times. That guy is sweet. Today's Featured Movie: A Lot Like Love http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005110/ Today's Featured Song: Aqualung - Brighter than Sunshine It's from A Lot Like Love. It's amazingly beautiful now in Prague. I think spring is reall beginning to roll in; it's very sunny and I this song just came to mind when I was looking out thetram window on my way to Holmes Place. It's a beautiful song, gives you a very nice feeling of miracl…