Wednesday September 6th — my thoughts on crisis

I got a feeling that I am losing momentum, that I am not going closer to my goal. That I am losing destination. I tackled it.

I listened to speeches about vision. I talked to B. I realized what is the problem.

The rest below you don't have to read it.

America founded on true vision - all men are created equal, etc.

Pursue your vision - how do I empower people.

Measure momentum - it's not are measurement of success. You measure momentum - it takes a lot of strength to start. Critical mass when it can go itself. Can I see it  gathering mass, is it becoming easier for me to move where I want to be. Is it gaining critical mass that moves me closer to my vision.

What in my mind brings me closer is financial freedom, relief from society, stability.

I am trying to build a world that doesn't exist anymore.

Be a giver - if you only give once a month, think of me next time.

Learn from creative people.

Have balance - write down your goals. See your goal so you are inspired. Vision you have to SEE - visualize. Work on my visualization. Dopamine is addictive

Know your destination - we are obsessed about the destination. he is not interested in book sale, interested in sharing your ideal.

Turn followers into leaders

So may things are written down. I just had conversation with B. He got me right. I worked a lot this weekend, I didn't feel there was any credit for my job. I worked a lot and got nothing. That is factoring into my disappointment too. I worked a lot into understanding what I want - go with B to Kz, and travel to places.

It's my second autumn in Seattle.

Moving into his place is a stress by itself. I do not want to move to his place. I won't ask for shelves. I need to write down how I feel about moving in. I do not like a closet with heater in it. I want a place where I can lock myself. It's a pace where no one is allowed to change things. At least the place is under my power. Creating a kingdom. I am afraid to move to new place too with him. It's going to be power dynamic. I am afraid that marrying a man who will stop my growth and eliminate my personal power will eventually create more friction than what it is now.

I would like to make decisions for myself, with consulting when I need it, without consulting when I do not need it. It is hard to be with me, what can I say Someone must really selflessly love me to be with me. Have enough love to not to intervene in my choices, or be my best team -  help me make these choices. For this I have to respect him a lot, so that I would listen. I have to know there is no turn down form him, if I open up. That my every choice will be accepted. Trying to bring your vision when I am set on my vision. No criticizing my vision except when you see I am really really making a mistake. Don't question my vision. I will let you know my vision in advance, and you don't question it. I want a closet without the boiler and good shelves. Support me in what I want to do, even when it is touching your reality.Take my wishes seriously. Be part of my wishes, but fast. For example, if I would like to get shelves and let's make it work. Less friction. Less friction.

We are both not trusting each other.

I am at work, and am sad. I see my calendar is not full, no one wants to meet me, no one wants to schedule a meeting with me. In the meetings I find  myself not listened too, irrelevant.

I wanted to have more free time to connect with people, to have lunches with them, to position myself in the organization, to be visionary, instead I stayed outside, didn't do a lot of work.

Overall, I am unsatisfied with myself at work. I am also afraid I am going to lose the job. No one is pushing me at all. I am pushing myself.

I realized I need a change. I am changing my position at work - going to work on FK, and I will rock it. I will also apply to jobs.

How do I survive in between. I need to talk to Andrea clearly about my feelings. and about my expectations. What is needed I need to get a new manager, new supervisor.

How do I go to work very motivated every day? I promise myself  quest - be at work at 7am every day for 10 days. Go home at 3pm. Just do it. See what happens.

Action plan - talk to Andrea before 4pm.

Always on my mind -

- my hair, get it straightened, you will feel a lot better.

- Go get a couple new clothes, different colors, change.

- find an animator

- apply to jobs

- notes to Naomi

- get yourself motivational speaker

- figure out what you are saving for

Don't wait, figure things out.

You are on a waiting mode - and it is unsettling.

I want to do many things - surround myself with dynamic motivational people with purpose and drive. I am losing my dive. I also want to learn analytics very well.

Get yourself goals for this week.

Everywhere there is a fence. I lost my card, so I cannot go shopping or massage. I like the challenge of not spending money.