May 3rd 2016

Today is May 3rd 2016. I am at work, and felt really not in mood to do anything. The feeling was devastating. I need to survive today. Yesterday I fell asleep at work and woke up at 6pm. Then I decided to work. Instead I went for a walk, then listened to music. The buttom line, I am tired of everything, and I am tired most of all of broken promises. I realized I miss devotion. I want to be devoted to a cause and a a person, and live to fulfill it.

Even though my work is mostly fun, I can't concentrate. I am falling, and missing everything. I don't care. I care, and I dpn't do. Just because I don't do things. I am just overly complicated, and lazy.

That is my work. That is what I do after graduation. I feel like I am sick. I am sick and tired.

I am very sick and tired of this man. He replenish me, deplenish me. Kills my energy, and leaves me with emptiness. He controls me, he doesn't let me express myself. Instead of making me shine like diamond, ne makes me opaque like a no attention stone on the road.

It's funny, there are so many women that don't leave their man for no rason. Just don't leave, and suffer. And I am suffering myself. I don't get any satisfaction form this relationships, besides pain. And I enjoy pain. This is an empty killing pain.

Evene knowing all this, and recognizing doesn't mean I am going to do anything different. I am still going to go with him, and try to please him. Block myself. Block my chakras. I prove myself how weak I am. Does he know about it?

It is always not pleasant when relationships end. Whe the hope turns into bust, and nothing remains. I, being a stubborn person, am fighting it to be a lesson, to have a meaning. I don't know whether there is a meaning. I hope my presence makes him feel better for his family. I hope my presence gives him confidence. On my side, he helps me a lot. He helps on logistics, and is my source at Seattle. I didn't know what Seattle is going to be this hard.

Ending it fast won't help. And ending it slow just destroys me. I want fun, and happiness in my life. How do I find happiness? I forgot what it is

He is going to be a bad father. Not suitable for parenthood. His fire is faded. Will you give him more fire in his heart? I can't

Take him out of his comfort zone. He's  done that. Actually really out of comfort zone? You have to be brave to do it.

I want to buy temporary tattoo kit, and look like  a freak.