May 12th

I need to figure out my thoughts before he comes back. Honestly, I had some wonderful time alone in Seattle, a lot of sleeping, a lot of dreaming, a lot of day dreaming. I did laundry, cleaned , and clean out my postal mails.

At work I was on time with my recommendations, and presentations. I didn't like sleeping in his place. Smell and ambiance are not relaxing to me.

I like thinking of him. I am reading the book - the road to character, and it does explain things, and it does touch on subjects I find surprising in this society.

I see we have a lot in common, and a lot of things we share. On the buttom, we agree on a) we are all equal we should love everyone; b) there are meaningful things in life, a lot more meaningful than everyday Kellogg life, life is a mystery, and there is a meaning to it; c) we have to be kind towards each other d) we are free, and we except; e) we are not racist; e) we appreciate devotion; f) we are eager to try adventures; g) we don't need a lot of comfort. That being said, I didn't have one fulfilling conversation when he completely and lovingly agrees with me. I couldn't finish my folk story. I feel that when I am telling him stories they are shallow, to him it is often not as meaningful as they are to me.

Whereas I am sure that there are meaningful things in life and my faith in God is unshattered, he is not so sure. Whereas I just accept sins, and weaknesses he is aggravated. Whereas when I see a problem, I want to fix it in a bold, kill it way. He complains and tries to put his input. I don't go after problems I can't fix, I don't go after problems I cannot fix at this stage in life.

I like the fact that he is still childish in this age.

All together, relationships that start this hard don't go further. There is an aura of difficulty around him. And most importantly, he doesn't want to fight our relationships anymore. God, he has a lot of insecurities, and a lot of pain. Is it pain or is it a mean character.

What makes me stay with him, I don't know. I have to admit, I am falling back to the default mode. It is easy to spend  time with him, and think of him, and just feed of my thoughts on him. I am searching for answers, but I am also not active enough to actually easily end it. I am slow moving vehicle. It's been more than a month since I moved to my new place I didn't rent it yet. I must rent it in May. Must

Putting things together, priorities:

1. rent out the space

2. sell startup to Archie

3. just think of money for the next month, just think of money

Put your life on track of money making. Work on it. Later you will think about the reputation and relationships.

So money making strategy:

1. Hard on airbnb

2. cut expenses

3. bring or sell your car - decide

4. get a job for Saturday

I would like to get a job for a couple of days a week.

With God'd help I will go onto this journey. In may I should get my routines back on track. Good girl. Good decisions.