March 14th

Only yesterday it was alright. Yesterday, I don't know why, I waited for him in the hall of my building. I wanted to see him beautiful. I wanted to hug him. He didn't want to hug me, and asked me to bring his instruments.

I calmed myself with a song:

You know everything is going to be alright

Southern wind is going to come back

And spring will come

and memory will pass like pages from the book

and some day your lips will wake me up

I doubt his lips are going to wake me up. At least I wanted to have his friendship.

Now I am going to describe how I feel:

I completely do not remember how I felt when he hurt me. I am thinking maybe our life is destined to be in pain, talking only with a counselor, but together. I found good sides. If we see counselor on a regular basis, we will be better as people.I wanted to tell counselor - we are not looking for easy answers.

Before, I wanted to come to his apartment and say - I have no hard feelings about you- I have forgiven you everything, I love you with all my heart and just be happy.

Take some good care of yourself, my neurotic boyfriend.

My feelings about him will never disappear - when he is seventy I will still love him, probably especially when he is seventy, because he is going to be such a good older guy, softer but smart, good posture, my big feelings about him. Here we go, I had no love and feelings for many years, don't remember when I had it this intense. But here it is - love.

My next step is to get accustomed myself to a feeling that we will not have any communication. I will stand on my own. I and only alone in this world who will stand and take care of myself. Part of me wants to provoke him, find a way to get him respond - and it will mean the string is not broken. It is egregor of our relationship who doesn't want to die. He needs food. Bryan, is strong and can cut the egregor, he has done it before.The spirit of our relationship - he is strong and volatile and very very powerful.

With other people I don't even have egregor. I told him I want him to suffer - I thought he can handle it. He can't.

With suffering - I wanted him to pay the price - I wanted to stand my ground. Again he is standing his - my ground is shit. I wanted to show that I can stand my ground. I need to follow my words and hold my ground.

I am going to live without him - I won't try to contact him.

Living without him seems like a very grim place. It feels that guys around me will not bring me joy - our connection will always lack intensity. Intense that is how I would call it.

What living without him entails - I will wake up every day and remember him. I would want to say these words to him. I would fantasize about him. I will come and write these thoughts here. I will then re-immerse myself to work and when there is a break I will remember him. It will pass soon.

There is nothing really exciting that is in front of me that can take my mind away. I have my Voltaire to read - that is my passion. I will carry on with my dad.The days will seam grey and meaningless, until one day you will wake up, the joy for life will be reborn, and I will forget him. I am excited about that day!

Maybe it will be different.

Carry on with work, meeting new people, sports, your company, and travels. I will forget him very soon. I can't think of other guys though - I want friends.

I am clean and happy - I will go to work now :)