Januray 29th

I am going to take my time and sort out my feelings. I know how it feels to go and write a very difficult letter. I sent it. If someone sends you a letter like this means you have a power. In any case it is an experience, I don't know whether it is the only letter like this in my life. It is certainly first one. Certainly, I've never done anything like this.

I have expressed myself unapologetically, yet thoughtfully. I think it is a compliment. I did take time to write him about my feelings. I think it is fair that I shared them with him, instead of keeping them inside.

He is certainly my soul mate. He gets me - on the soul level. What am I expecting? I feel no not releave - I feel a confusion still. The fight between very tender feelings, warm memories, heart pumping with pure intentions, and a feeling that I shouldn't feel this way, that I need to protect myself. I wrote him - means I still care.

When I knew I will write a letter - I knew what will happen next. I don't know what next now. Maybe he will write me a letter - saying he understands, and ready to talk to me. Maybe he decides that the relationship is too toxic and we chall end it for good - no interaction. The hardest one is somewhere in between - he doesn't accept it, and we strangers in Asia condos. Maybe he will get upset and tell me that I am no one to write things like this, that he doesn't agree about owning his actions. Then it was for nothing. I will carry on - I won't write back. I will move on. I am going to be very upset - that he again discounted me. and then I won't care.

Maybe he comes back and accepts it all - and I ask him to do things I want to ask. His "plus minus" list is exactly what I don't like about him. This list makes me mad - he doesn't get that it's wrong. Whatever. We will see.

I wish him the best - I wish he undretands his issues, and becomes a balanced man. He almost is a balanced strong man. I love him because he is a strong yet heart-centered man.

Enough about my B. Now my Dad.

I can see now how things can get completely out of hand.