February 22nd

9pm I am at work. I am feeling okay. I am a little un-restful because my back hurts. It hurts because of the pressure to take care of my dad. This weekend I am going to do capoeira, and I WILL feel better. Then I won't be hurting.

I don't want to go home, because it is work. It is some work I don't want to do -  I just want to relax.

From my dad's side - I need to mount the tv to the wall, buy new stuff, clean and take care of his nails, take him to doctor, and then show him states. It is hard to live with him. Unfortunately, I cannot emotionally take care of him.

Bryan is full of needles person, I don't want to be with him. Now this winter is slightly difficult time in my life. I saw myself with Bryan, thinking if we could work together to help people, it will be nice. We will become closer. We need to be friends.

I will write him a letter.

Bryan,

Since my latest letter, that was loaded with a lot of emotions, I didn't hear your response, which is okay. No expectations from my side.

I thought it is fair for you to know how I felt.

I needed to talk to someone. I needed to find someone who doesn't know you, and won't know you. I didn't want to damage your and our reputation. I wanted to tell openly what happened, without hiding.

It is hard to find someone I didn't tell about you. I called a friend of  a friend. I really needed to talk. Girl, Asian woman working at Microsoft, from Kellogg. I told her everything. She helped me stay sane.

After our previous fights, I couldn't continue my coding classes. This time I couldn't work. I got sick and stayed home. I couldn't stay in asia condos anymore, luckily I had a place to go. I am so blessed I have a place to go. I told Aza I got cold and needed a warm place to stay.

My mind was going over over and over the situation, whether I wanted to think about it or not. I kept asking myself, what I could've done differently. I knew I am emotionally unbalanced, I didn't trust my senses. I didn't know whether what I am feeling is right, am I exaggerating or am I actually being dumb.  My mind wouldn't stop processing.

What I regret is this - when I needed to be on top of my game at work and business, I couldn't. I am going to build a support team for the future so I know what to do, and won't stay outside.

My whole life in Seattle was about you, some way connected, always on my mind.

What I wanted to say - if you want to say something, say.

Now for me - Let it go, cry about it, find sweetness in it, and at the same time let it go. You are good, that you really tried t go to this cigar event, so you could meet people. You went for dates. You are trying. I am proud of you - you survived almost a month with your dad, and you keep doing things.

You are helping two people with jobs. I think one will be successful. I really hope it will work out. You are making progress at work.

For sure, that day at the outlet mall was magical. I felt his hands, I fed him, I looked at his face eyes and beard. I saw his energetic nature trying jackets for my dad. We hugged next to the water, he taught me how to hug, we talked about constitution, we looked at the mountain and thought it was woman's breast, nice and smooth.

I won't be overly dramatic. I will bring to his place his belongings. I will leave them. I will write - your support in this special time in my life means a lot to me. Your messages already alleviated my stress. It's awesome to know that you are not completely alone in this. My dad's presence here is simple magic to me.