February 14th — complains

I am very much losing ground. Sometime frustrating, I am lost. I want to read books. and I want to take care of my dad. My dad is never ending problem solving, that doesn't have a bottom. Sometime frustrating, bet never really fulfilling. I don't see fulfillment nor outcome out of it. It's like trying to win superball with  a bad playing player in the team.

I am frustrated because I don't have a venue where I can vent. I don't feel needed nor loved, nor understood anywhere. And I am just physically tired. I feel like I am a single mother. I am fed up with driving Aza. Also, not showing any progress, just a loser. But most of all, I feel despised by him.His little goals despise me too. Just a bobo

My dad didn't develop another pattern with another human being, working with one pattern - listening and no objection girl. Towards the rest of the world he is rude and mean. He just doesn't have pity. He does turn it off. Empathy he turns off for a minute when he becomes mean. My dad is taken.

It is truly childish to announce that he will be here for 6 months every year, and ask me to spent tons on his comfort. I gave in to that. But I also have zero pace for myself. I am taken too much. I can't chew it.

My dad, business and finding love of my life. Actually, those are all  most important things in life. No wonder it is so hard for me.

I am proud that I am not giving up for dear Z. I am strong in that I am continuing finding someone who is going to be by my side. He will be with me. Bryan has no idea how to be by someone.

I had to deal with Bryan. Now I need to deal with my dad. My dad completely cannot take care of himself. It is just misfortune that he was born in Kazakhstan in 1960s.He would've been amazing Microsoft engineer, and would've had a god family.

Of course, it my cycle as well. That I feel emotional, empty, and too much too much on me these days. But it also truth, that it is hard.

I hate this Emily guys, super stupid.

I don't feel like going to capoeira either. I just want to stay home and cry. Have someone download good movies for me and watch and cry. Or read a book and watch and cry. Watch something about kindness and determination, where people are nice to each other - simply care about other person. Simply have empathy and found  love. They do things for love - but not crazy out of proportion way my dad does. But kindly touching God.

Remember, when you bought yourself - Baby doll perfume - nothing is better.

I don't know should I go to capoeira. I feel just very sad.

Maybe I am sad, because B didn't show a sign on Valentine's day. Whatever it is, I know it is for good. Because B is destruction.

I have no idea what kind of guy I want because I am not over B. Also, it's true I am afraid I won't find anyone like him. Looking deep in the things.

Okay, daddy I am coming. I will go with you to second hand.