December 21st

Today is December 21st.

I am at work. Everything is in order. I see I do so much better without B. I am with him only because of attraction and because I feel sorry fr him. My flower time is on.

It's Wednesday and I still cannot get myself together to start working. I think I am going to sleep, relax home now. And then I will drink a lot of redbull, and finally make myself to work. Work girl, work.

I've been extremely unproductive these couple of weeks. For sure, my problems with B, my worries about being pregnant, my worries about my father, Venera, and Aza. Still half of my thoughts going into helping and enriching other people's lives. WTF.

I need to move strong on my startup side, and my reputation side. But today, all I want is to stay warm and sleep. I am glad I am not pregnant.

Yesterday - Tuesday, I woke up in a short pain. I was worried that my problems with B are still in the air. I felt that my party was too alcohol full. I felt like it was no real connection. I went for a walk, and smoke a cigarette. I was calming myslef down with song my sister sang at the choir. I came home and two realization came to me:

- I wrote my dad, how and when he should come

- I figured out how I would like to ask for promotion at DDI

I kinda figured out what I want to say to B- I want to say - I am accepting your apologies, and have only warm feelings for you. But I choose not to be in any relationship with you. I want you to respect my decision, and give me space.  I will start dating new guys after the new years shortly.

Just as hard as it is for you - to tell me I am sorry - that is how hard it is for me to say what I am about to say - I am saying - I am not forgiving you - and wish you will pay for your actions. I do not believe you can be changed, and it can be reversed. Maybe, you used to be a good person, but I don't think you are any more. I think you are a bad person towards me. I would like you to stay away from me. Time will pass, and I will forgive you. Time will pass, and I will only feel sorry for you. This is karma.

This is how I feel. I wish you the best, but I do not want to be a part of your life in any capacity.

If you could own - what you have done. Meet me - and own it up. What I mean - is being on the interrogation at the senate. Own it up.