December 10th Sunday

I am in University village starbucks. I really had a wonderful day. I am not dinkin my latte and preparing to do soul and job work. Soul work - Bryan. I wrote my letter. It is not for faint hearted. You can read it below.

Now I ma going to work on letter to George. Letter to George is sent. Now I am going to start working on Andrew's slides

Suspicion

I felt the way I felt because of three reasons:

First I recall a story in spring, when I, coming back from my coffee/reading session in Fuji bakery, entered the elevator at Asia Condos. I had several strangers in the elevator and noticed there is something familiar in hands of a woman in the elevator. When I exited the elevator, I zoomed in the image in my memory, and realized that the familiar object was – the keys from Bryan’s apartment. Can I be wrong? I came home and texted.

One day Dale told me with surprised eyes – Bryan never told you about X - a woman’s name – I don’t remember her name. I don’t know the nature of the relationship, and I know that it is nowhere near what you and I have. When I asked you – you said you don’t want to talk about it, because Dale brought it up.

When I told Jenny we got back together, she told me she saw two people staying at your place – an older woman, and an underage girl – both Asians. After talking to you, I told her that the seemingly underage girl was a potential renter.

In a big event at Leanin, I was introduced to an Asian woman, she asked for my phone number. When I told her my first 6 digits, name Bryan Blondeau came up. It was surprising, so that I thought maybe she is holding my phone. I asked you you wanted to introduce us – maybe I can help her out.

My mind in a matter of 5-10 seconds goes through the states- a little surprise, then my caution coming back saying there is nothing surprising or normal about it, that you forgot to tell me, or it’s not important to tell me, then a fear that maybe it is important, then a fear of what else is in the room. In a relaxed mediated mind it goes thought the same cycle several times. The it turns to a fear – not that there is something bad you are hiding – but that I will go through the same emotions again – I will learn about something not from you by chance – and that I will be hanging, not knowing what to make up out from it – mostly on a positive side, but sometimes with dark thoughts. Uninformed is very difficult for me.

Since I’ ve been living at 314, we shared the space with three visitors – Ronda’s husband, Erick – high school friend, and Kate – my friend. When I was away it has been shared with five or six women, some of them friends, some of them former lovers, some of them might one day become your lover.

Pete – I might’ve spelled his name wrong – Spanish friend who has export company. Pete is unaware that you went for a date with his former partner. He doesn’t need to know – why would he.

There is scene in Madmen where a wife is in the same elevator with a neighbor lover, not knowing about the relationship, she even compliments her shoes. His wife also goes to his office sometime, where there is an ex lover working in the same office. In Russian, we have an expression – woman wearing horns – it’s when a person is unknowingly is interacting with her husband’s former or current love interest.

Second train of thought. After Kate moved to Asia condos, she told me that I spent more than 80% of my time not at 509, she asked me if I am aware I am factually moved in to 314. She asked me to put my name on the lease, and to get the keys. I told her, that we don’t know how long we will stay here, and that I am sure that you will never kick me out again. I really really REALLY didn’t believe that I will be un-granted access to the place ever again.

I don’t need to explain you, you know it yourself. Locking me out in the middle of the week and then over the weekend is not right.

Third thoughts – I had my flower days started, of course, in the midst all of it. As soon as it came the physical pain vanished. From emotional side–days coming up to it, I felt very vulnerable. Every period in my thirties, I feel that it is a little death. My possible baby dies, and I cry involuntarily. I mourn – not knowing what I am mourning. While it is dying and leaving the eterus, I feel like it’s hurting and it’s my fault. I think – I am not in a right place – I am lonely with my problem – I have to do something. All support I need in the world – is to say – it is going to be alright, we will have another baby, another month. I will not leave you even if we lose a baby, I am with you, we will make it work – you see these hands, these body – of course we will make another baby, and even if we don’t, I am still going to be with you, you’re still going to have me. I felt you abandoned me. More, I felt you will abandon me when I will have menopause, or if I have postpartum.

Because you say – you are sorry about what happened to me.

Last month, I felt lonely too. I know you did your best. You said you would like to take of half my pain, that you will put your hand on my belly. It really did cheer me up – I felt that if I will till the end of day – you will share my sadness, my pain, and we will mourn together, and I will feel better half faster. I leaned that you can take pain for maybe two days, I recognized that you are willing to take the pain only to certain degree. I know you don’t want me to be in pain, and you would like to take the pain from me. Maybe if it was something tangible I am sure you would’ve not hesitated to take it from me. When I asked for your hand on my belly – you commented on me wearing pants, and pantyhose – I had an impression that it is inconvenient for you, or maybe not pleasant. I don’t know exactly what you meant – was it a suggestion to take them off – or a comment – I don’t know. I wore them because I wanted to feel tight around my hips and waist. You turned around and fell asleep. I felt a little lonely, but not really blaming you, a little disillusioned – I really should know that there is nothing like REALLY taking half of my pain. The next day – it’s true I felt that I should rely on myself to deal with the pain – and went away alone - I wanted to feel sad, and mourn alone for some time. You kind of got angry on me for being unclear about my plans. When it all happened, I knew that it will pass, and I will feel optimistic and in love again. So it wasn’t too bad.

Maybe I should think like – he proposed to take half of my pain away – but I because I love him – I should refuse, and not burden him with something he doesn’t have to experience. But I didn’t think this way. I felt like you don’t want to go all the way with me to solve the problem. You can leave half way, if it is too much for you.

Now I am going to talk about deeper subject.

You slept with two women in the bed I sleep in. The thought of me conceiving there deteriorates me. This thought only comes to me when I have my period.

I want to start a new and clean.