April 28th

Life had it's unexpected turns. You can have hopes, and this hopes can be broken. You can dare and your wildest dreams can come true. You can be disappointed in someone. And you can find someone amazingly loving and awesome towards you unexpectedly.

My conversation with my employee Riley have made me feel disappointed, for reasons such as - I haven't seen it coming; I felt there is a disrespect; I also think he is young and inexperienced, so he is becoming more experienced; his conversation was very rusty.

This morning B bugged me with his revelations of how terrible, sheltered, and painful I was to him. I know they didn't do their best. I know I don't deserve to be talked this way. He thinks since 2016 I was a terrible person to him. I know what a mad man he is. I also felt like there is someone worthful between us. I was missing him.

Here's what I know: He was missing me terribly, he felt not in peace, he was angry, he felt betrayed, he felt like again these women are terrible and sheltered and don't undertstand his depth. I honestly don't need his depth.

What did I do to attract myself with people like this? Is it a course of life? Is it a lesson? When you think there is no road to go - the real journey begins, when you think there is no light to shine on you - light takes you.

Let the light of this earth take me, let the high loving things happen to me. Let Mother Mary come to me - and say "let it be".

I want to say I am sorry Bryan. I am sorry for being who I am.

I am sorry I didn't fit your bill of being deep enough, of being nuanced enough, of being not open minded enough. I am really sorry - I was trying - God knows I was trying to be that person.

I am sorry I let the thoughts of my friends hurt me and get into my brain. I am sorry I couldn't get to the level of thoughtfulness that you thought we could be at. God knows I tried.

I am trying to be happy now. Let me be.

Of the most intense life pulsating feelings I felt with you, for that I am thankful.

You are unique