Ode to dysfunctional family

There are bonds in nature that are extremely strong. Hence, it is quite difficult to destroy it. Such strong bonds aren't only chemical, family ties are of same kind. Recently, I found out that those bonds might be engineered in a dysfunctional way, which kind of makes it ok to get rid of. Maybe I should at least change the strength of family ties in my case since it causes distress and misery. There are so many examples of dysfunctional practices in my family that I can't even imagine what should I start with.

Today, at 7am in the morning, my brother arrived home and once agin I felt like I am victim of domestic violence. He was drunk and I assume he was not completely aware of his behavior, but that is not an excuse. I am sick and tired of being calm, always keeping down my emotions, even when I am scared. I tend to like people and always prefer positive attitude when solving conflicts, but maybe I should stop as now I see that it hurts me instead. The other argument for his uncontrollable and aggressive behavior was that I seem to be careless towards him, but let me clarify here. I cooked for him the food that I actually didn't eat, I ironed his clothes, I wake up at 5:30am so that he can take his shower whenever it is comfortable for him, I sit and talk to him when he comes drunk and says bullshit, I even helped him to clean the house for 3 hours every single day for a few months because he was experiencing something very alike OCD, but I fed up. I have to tell that mostly he is kind to me, but all the care that I provide is on an everyday basis, while his gestures of kindness are minute ones. I do not get enough of sleep, or serenity, I must always be alert because people in my family are extremely explosive creatures, while there are so many other aspects of my life that require attention, such as work, education, psychological problems.

When I was a kid, I used to live with my grandma, all the way to my tenth birthday. Because of that situation, I did not feel connected to my biological mother and father. I have rarely seen them because they were working hard to earn whatever they had afterwards, so I do not blame them for that. The problems arose when I finally moved in with my biological family: the very first day I had to witness some sort of public execution, when my father physically punished my brother for touching something that he shouldn't have. While growing up in this family I had some sort of military regime, where rules that my father placed in order were to be followed in strict manner. Even a small thing, such as waking up at 11am and not making up our beds on Sunday made him extremely mad and somehow he thought that we were not obeying the rules, afterwards we got punished once again. On that day, I remember that I tried to hide in the bathroom, pretending I needed to pee so that he wouldn't hit me, but I did not escape. Afterwards I had a huge mark on my legs. Even when I was a kid, I realized that there something really wrong with my dad, I showed that mark to my grandma, expecting that she would do something about it, but the only thing she said was that he is my father and I have to admit whatever he does, even his violence. My father has problems with anger management and he is an alcoholic, recently I found out that he had a gambling problem as well. I have been tortured most of my life and I did not know how can I escape. I became very reserved, quiet, and cold person. I rarely cried because that made my father even more furious. I have been traumatized so many times, but even doctors have done nothing. My teacher from school was our neighbor and she has done nothing. I finally came to understand that there is no one, but me to help. When I was finally free from that hell, I felt like I have been cured from incurable disease and I started living my life as fully and happily as possible. I want to stop the circle of hatred so I do not hate my father for being abusive to me, I do not hate my mother for ignoring my safety, I don't hate my grandma for me indifferent, I simply want happiness, but my brother turns out to have similar problems as my father has. What should I do? Should I continue torturing myself for the sake of his serenity or should I let it go?

The story of my childhood is sad, it is long and full of many episodes that no child should ever encounter to be psychologically healthy. I have no idea if my current problems are evolving from my dysfunctional family, but I suffer from an eating disorder, panic attacks, anxiety, depression. Sometimes I am able to release my stress in a heathy way, but there are moments when I give up. Later I will describe everyone in my family and myself so that the dysfunctional picture of most families in Kazakhstan will be heard and seen. To be continued..