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I've been searching for answers, for some balance, for internal peace, for what to believe in, for whom to trust to for a long time now, ever since I remember myself. The first memory is flashing back when I was around six. It was my grandma who was whispering a prayer to herself, she was telling Rosary. It was the time when my grandpa passed and she felt so lonely, left alone without her partner, lover, father of her kids, the closest person. I felt her sorrow, grief and deadly sickness from loneliness. For the kid's perception it was scary and fearful to feel that your're loosing the dear one, someone without whom you can't imagine your further existence, and I knew she was sheding away from me. Since then I'm deadly scared of loosing the close ones. As if I'm waiting when the bell will ring and I will loose a part of myself...again. More than 20 years passed but I still miss my azhe so much.

I'm surrounded by the net of people, comprising of relatives, friends, coworkers, but do I have someone as close as her now? I don't think so. It's so damn difficult to find the right person, the one who would be the reflection of who you are, the one who would feel all the bunch of emotions unspoken and stored inside of you.

Though, during my search for the answers I was lucky to meet inspired and spirited people who were looking for responses the way I did. But did I receive an answer myself? Not yet. I consciously prefered to be called an atheist since I was eighteen, but was tolerant to anyone who would believe in his or her god. I have friends who consider themselves muslims, christians, buddists, and many other confessions, though I struggled to join either of them. I am still looking for the right thing for me and it might take forever. Possibly I'm seeking myself once lost at the age of six, it's difficult but I'm praying to the universe to be patient for it's the most important thing ever.