February 1st

Dear diary,

I am lost confused and angry on myself. School is not so easy, and most of all my pride is killing me. I am such a bad person, I am so not satisfied with myself. I have to be 1. more efficient, 2. more truthful. I am judging people that they are superficial or not deep enough, in fact all I have is pride, no qualifications, no commitment, no real quality, just believe in myself and internal desire to be a superstar. I really want to, but I am so weak that I cant.

This school experience was quite a discovery for me. I realized what I really worth, and my weak sides showed up. I see that from a professional standpoint in America I dont worth that much. Most of the MBA jobs are challenging for me. It isn't a surprise, I am really coming from a very different background, and very different profession, different culture. I am actually kinda fine. You just have to be ready that this is going to be a long, and very fulfilling journey. With consistency and believe in yourself you will achieve and leapfrog every obstacle, leaving doubts behind.

As for personal life, I am confused because I am just settling down for whatever is available. Insecurities are killing me. It isnt a surprise again, my mother was a very shy woman, girls in kazakhstan are not so independent, not so strong when it comes to relationships. I know I will be respected and loved by an amazing guy. Whatever you go through right now is a lesson, transformation period. You will learn and thrive.

Another thing I realized is that nobody can really help you or give you an advise. You have to judge yourself. Make a  judgement and decisions. Things that are on my plate right now: 1)DCA, I should be strong and meet them this week one on one. 2) I should apply for jobs now. 3)sports, sports, sports

I need solitude. Solitude and focus.