December, 2012
Midnight in Rome. A cosy Porte Majore street is illuminated with night lights, that are reaching up to my windows. Passingby cars are buzzing, and moving further. I hear the steps of strangers, and feel curious whom they supposed to belonged to. All I can is to use my own imagination.
What if the owners of fast and loud paces are dynamic and goal-oriented human beings, while those individuals who produce lazy and quite steps are thinking natures, who are living in their own world of fantasies and dreams?
I hear human voices. They speak in Italian, and I can’t understand them.
Suddenly all the sounds, including beeping horns, and buzzing cars are merging into a single hum.
Time passes… One second is changed by another.
Have you ever thought that a second has something magical? A second is a vulnerable transaction between past and future.
“Now” is an illusion… it doesn’t exist. “Now” is only a second. A second ahead is the future, and a second ago is already past.
When a deep night is approaching, all the sounds are disappearing in nowhere. A SILENCE. Rome is sleeping. I enjoy this moment, and try switch on all my sensitive receptors.
Inhaling and exhaling… Inhaling and exhaling…
What do I smell? Aroma of a fresh coffee.
What do I see?
A small cozy room in a “Donatella” hotel with a single bed, covered by white cotton linen, and a drawer. from it’s left On the right side stands a small wardrobe with empty shoulders, mini-bar, and safe. In front of the bed is a TV, hanged on the wall. A massive brown table is also right there. A room could easily satisfy all my needs, if not…
Brrr!!! It’s soooo cold. Goose bumps are covering my skin. I am freezing. And even wool green pullover doesn’t save me. It’s so extremely coooold.
When I was complaining about low room temperature on reception, they answered “It’s a normal room temperature”. But I guess they are just saving money on tourists.
With my right hand I feel the heaviness of Mitchel’s book. Another book of Verber is jealously glancing at me, obediently waiting for it’s turn. I still can not decide which book is more interesting, cause they are all quite competitive, and I read them alternately, not being loyal to both of them, and feeling myself like “Intellectual Don Juan”. Reading a new book is such a vulnerable and unexplored journey. Nothing can compare with it. It’s the best entertainment cause it’s a travel of thoughts. Moreover books are my best friends. Because of them I don’t feel lonely.
I continue my reading, and feel a sympathy to Robert Fischer (one of the main characters of “Cloud Atlas”). He’s so honest, and has a sense of humor, that is close to mine.
Why do we feel sympathy to some characters or people??? Because we like similarities with them, and indeed we like ourselves in those people.
After five minutes, I stop reading and try to digest what I have read. In the book it’s written that “Writers, poets, composers, and architectures are bricklayers and builders of Civilization”.
Also during the book David Mitchell shows how society develops from age to age and reaching it’s peak, comes back to full degradation. In several ages people will… eat again each other.
Sounds scary. I try to switch off my mind.
I can't believe that only one and a half hour ago Antonio wanted to kiss me?
* * *
We met with him, when I was loafing around. It was Saturday evening, the beginning of December. I was just coming back from Colosseum.
Being honest, I expected something more from visiting Amphitheater but in reality it was boring.
But… i liked Trevi Fountain.
Well… Actually Trevi was the only reason why I’ve visited Rome… alone. I believed it was magical… Especially when I looked at it at night.
There is a legend: if a person drops one coin into a Fountain, he will come back in Rome again; if he drops two coins, he will meet love; if he drops three coins, he will merry within a year.
I dropped all six coins, in order to make it fixed.
So desperately I wanted to meet my second half and get married.
Meanwhile some couples were greedily kissing each other everywhere: in cafes, in parks, in metro… Amore was in the air. And I felt myself more lonely and pathetic and extremely jealaus.
Some people might say that they feel themselves quit ok being alone, but I didn’t believe them. Being lonely is like being incomplete.
It was my last evening in Rome. During five days, I used to wake up early, had a breakfast (toasts, butter, jam and a coffee), and go for a walk.
How lovely it was to observe early Rome, which was waking up, and opening it’s sleepy eyes. Streets were quite empty. Only few people were going for a work, others were sloping around. The first empty trams were passing by. After visiting city sightseeings, I used to have some lunch breaks in cozy Italian cafes, ordering pasta and a glass of Chardonnay.
How curious it was to observe Italians.
Italian women looked so feminine and elegant in their coats, scarfs and shoes on high heels… And not even women, but men also.
After lunch time I was wandering through streets of Rome without any purpose, and enjoyed it.
“Miss, you dropped your earphones” I heard occasionally.
And this is how I met Antonio. He looked very attractive: tall, masculine, handsome, brown-haired, and Italian. His eyes were dark chocolate.
We struck up a casual conversation.
I said it was my first visit to Rome and because Antonio was a native Roman, he offered to guide me around. I had nothing against a free and nice looking guide, and our excursion started immediately.
In a half hour we’ve already bypassed Piazza Venezia, walked through via del Corso, and were enjoying the view on Piazza di Spana. The dark city was illuminated by colorful lights. My attention was attracted by pink Christmas Eve, which was majestically standing in the center of the Spanish stairs. Musicians in santa claus outfits were playing “Jingle bells”. Bright and colorful decorations were gladdening my eyes. It felt so joyful, and I believed at this moment that all my wishes will come true and I will be happy.
I guess at that same moment I felt some butterflies in my stomach… and this is howI felt in love with Rome.
Meanwhile Antonio tried to hug me.
I knew he wasn’t that right man, the man of my dreams, cause we ladies understand it immediately, don’t we?? But It was like trying a dress from Donna Karan. You know it won’t suit you but you think kind of what if it suits?
That’s why I allowed Antonio to hug me.
Maybe because it was cold and I wanted to be warmed or maybe my heart was cold? Or was I trying to hide from loneliness?
”You are so beautiful” whispered Antonio and tried to kiss me. And when he was trying something more than that I felt a deep protest inside.
Some people might say... Why not to have some fun and have some easy affairs with nice hot Italian guy but the thing is... I was not in the mood to have easy affairs at all…
I was sick of easy affairs. I was sick of feeling empty after and guessing will it be serious or not, will he call me or not, was I good enough or not. I just wanted something worthy... something true... something real.
Antonio was very surprised.
“What happened?” he asked.
“I am not in the mood to go further” I answered.
“But why? We have only one life and we should enjoy it” he tried to persuade me.
“No” my decision was firm.
“You are strange” he said, and tried to continue his attempts.
“I will call the police” I was close to yell.
“Good buy!!!” he said angry and added “You will always be alone”.
Then he dissapeared.
And now sitting in my cozy room, I am smiling, memorizing this strange accident and feel pain simultaneously. Antonio left an ugly track in my soul, a track of disappointment and emptiness that is coming after I met wrong guys. I was so afraid I will never find my second half, and the more I was desperately afraid of being always lonely.
That is the reason I came hear… to drop some coins into Trevi fountain and wait for a miracle.
Sounds weird and crazy isn’t it?
But loneliness itself makes us act crazy. We date with wrong men, with wrong women, with boring people cause we try to run away from loneliness… but indeed we can’t.
I was crying and then I started to pray... to pray to God.
“I am so alone” I whispered through my tears.
“I am with you. You are not alone” God answered.
I felt he was near and he was hugging me. I felt peaceful and quit. And I didn’t feel anymore lonely.
Then I fall asleep.
Sometimes I heard passing by beeping horns.
Rome was also sleeping, but tomorrow when a new day comes, Rome will wake up again… And people will go to their works, or they will stroll around, and drink some coffee.
But all these moments I will save in my memory cause in five hours a taxi will pick me up back to my homeland. But it all will happen then… after seconds will go ahead. And now…
Good night, Rome!!!