One More Loss

D Sat 2011 M03 25
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Today I woke up from an idea that I was not asleep any more. Wind was whistling as usual in a language that nobody understood but him. I delightfully thought that my room is warmer than any cold and...

Today I woke up from an idea that I was not asleep any more. Wind was whistling as usual in a language that nobody understood but him. I delightfully thought that my room is warmer than any cold and again shut my eyes. What was I thinking of? Heaven knows, I still didn't learn how to follow the fast thoughts. Sometimes I suspiciously think that they just skip me on purpose. Blindly searching for my phone to see the time I almost fell from my bed and that made me smile and believe that today will be a different day, because I never fell before. I still had 7 minutes till the alarm, what a pleasure when you can wake up earlier than your alarm and can cheat the smart technology of our time! I needed only 2 minutes of that amount for waking up my body and make it go to the bathroom. It was Saturday morning - different from other days of week, but still one of those groundhog Saturdays that start the same. So what was on the schedule for today? Frowning and trying hard I remembered my promise to update my blog, do some translation and go to ACK discussion. Oh yeah, the most usual days of paying damned debts if not to somebody then to yourself and your own conscience. But this Saturday will at least well meet my rebellious soul as I am putting on something colorful not to look ordinary and yes! 5 minutes and I do look different colored! Purple blouse, a gift from beloved sister always could cheer me up and save from melancholy, today light t-shirt will help it to fulfill its duty. That is one of the reasons why I like warmer seasons - you can be light-minded, -hearted and -dressed. Interesting, could anyone today, at last, break 5000 that I have so that I could pay the phone bills and wish a friend happy birthday. She is getting 25. Time flies fast and some day I will be turning 25, too, in more or less 5 years.  Will I still be here or go back to my family?...These thoughts engaged me long enough to finish the light breakfast with and check my mail. One of the treats of Saturday is in that I can afford myself to have a chat with friends for 40-50 minutes. Today I afforded myself an hour. 45 minutes went quietly without any incidents or stories until I received forwarded message that one of my close acquaintances died early in the morning. Message said "while we were sweetly sleeping in our beds we didn't even suspect that in the morning we would lose our friend in the hospital. We think of you, N! (and many hearts)". WHAT?! HOW?! This is not a good joke, not even close!...Seems like everyone is waiting for my next actions. I can't even continue or figure out what I am thinking of or feeling. For the third time I am losing a friend who was too young to die. What can I feel? Pain, hurt, sad. I feel quiet. Is this the way peace comes to our hearts? Then I don't like what it is doing with me. N was a good, valuable part of our enormous team called "The DARs" - volunteers and disabled teens and young people who grew close and big mates. He couldn't walk. The one who was destined to make my Saturday different said that his kidneys stopped working or something. Oh my gosh, such a loss! But why him? My mom always used to say that God loves the good ones, that's why they leave for him earlier than others. Today I was convinced once more that it is true. Yes, we didn't call or send messages to each other but still every time we met we were glad to talk, laugh, tease and just see. I am not going to cry no, I don't even have tear, but this doesn't prove he was not dear to me... And I am scared to death to call our friend to say that N is not with us anymore, but I have to. We all sometimes play roles that we don't like. This is so hard. How could he leave? Why did they let him go, I can't understand. I have to call so many people and this damned phone doesn't understand it! I am thinking of N's role in among our friends. He was only 22 but he had some kind of sense of "adultness" that we unconsciously listened to him. It was always interesting to me to hear him speak wise and I never could figure out where he found so much truth about living. How bad must feel his mom and brother and friends. It is so much pain to hear about losses from your friends and you have to comfort them and there is no one by your side to offer his shoulder to lean on in this large suddenly cold canteen. Death is always cruel and never comes on time, but how does it dare to take young people?! How many acquaintances will I lose on my way?

My holy God, I do not want to call our friend to tell about this loss. I can't...

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