I've just watched that TED talk by Brene Brown on vulnerability. And it did make me feel worried and vulnerable. I've realized what makes me creative. What is common in all cases I have something to write about. It's about all those cases when I feel in doubt. Maybe that's the thing that unite introverts with creativity - they are more inclined to doubt and vulnerability (orchid effect) because of their high sensitivity.
I write stories. I write journals. I write blog posts. All about expressing my thoughts on topic that really matter. Something that is alive. I do agree with Brene. Being vulnerable is being alive. I tell people about the most sensitive, painful, risky, emotional, ambiguios questions in my life, and that's when they react. That's when they support, comment, tell me they understand me better. It's when I risk and open my true self that I start to get great human feedback and support.
Most of my relationships have started when I was feeling the most vulnerable, open and prone to risk. I tend to start relationship after answering myself the question "Will I regret later all my life that I didn't have this?" If I answer yes, then when I feel I should be going for it.
Not because of experience, or joy, or new opportunities or just spending some time. I feel then that this is what my soul wants. It's always risky. I'ts never known. It's all unclear. But it just makes me feel that this is the right thing for me to do. This is what Brene calls beautiful. It's not about pain or shame. It's about my life, authenticity, feeling that this is what I choose to do/have/be in my life.
And this may be just the reason why I never say "I love you" first. Because I'm too afraid to be vulnerable. Because I'm not ready to show the person my imperfection, my openness and take that risk of being turned down.
I had an experience in my life when I loved with a full heart, with open heart, with whole heart. And he turned me down. That was that sort of exruciating pain that I was feeling that made me make a decision that changed my life forever after. I've promised myself "I will never ever let that happen again. This was too painful. I can't go trhough that again. If it happens once more, I'll go to either to asylum or cemetery. I should never love like that again if I want to live". And that was it. I've prohibited myself to love. I've prohibited myself to live my life to the full. Since then I did feel it was all different. And at the same time... not really full. I was feeling like I'm cheating. Like I'm not really loving the person I'm with. Anytime I was reaching that state of relationships when I have to be open, when I have to love deeper, when I can say "I love you", I panicked. I was running away, unravelling any relationships built.
I'm still living in the mode when I can't say that I am absolutely honest. That I'm fully brave, open, authentic, acepting my vulnerability. I'm still working on it. It's not easy. It's very scary. But I believe - I feel like this - that this is the way - and the only way - to live my life fully. Otherwise it's just existence, mere existence.
Remember Lev with his "Tales of Mere Existence"? I guess this is what life has the risk to turn into if we don't dare living fully our emotions. All good emotions have a price - it's taking the cost of bad emotions. If you want love, you have to take your vulnerability on board. If you want great love, you have to take the risk of it crashing horribly, painfully, miserably, unbearably hard. With anyone pitying, with - that word again! - excruciating pain. But it seems that life is made like that. We have to live both sides of Moon - dark one and light one.
As for me, I have to admit. I did not allow myself be vulnerable. Most of people around me who used to scare me and question my intensions were also scared and afraid to show vulnerability. Even to accept the fact it exists. We were all trying to avoid it, when in fact, it's the cost of great life, of YOUR life. And "your" meaning "your predestined one". If you dare to risk, you dare to win. Otherwise, we're doomed to exist.
So I dare to show my vulnerability even more. I want to live my life and I'm ready to take risk.